Archive | November, 2012

Hair loss, Pregnancy Test and Torture

25 Nov

I’ve been staying away from the blog for the past week or so because I am trying to stop thinking about everything that’s going wrong with my body. I’m so frustrated because last week I went to the dermatologist to talk about my hair that fell out a few years ago when I got very sick. It just has never grown back normally again so I wanted to see my options. The second I told him I’m doing fertility treatments he told me that I might lose more hair from the treatments I’m doing. I just looked at him with a blank face and said great. I get usually pretty sarcastic when I’m upset and overwhelmed. Guess what happened a few days later? My hair has been falling out in chunks. Literally. How? I haven’t even begun my fertility treatments yet because I’ve been waiting for Mother Nature to arrive. It hasn’t, I didn’t ovulate so now I have to take primolut to get it. Frustration doesn’t even begin to explain what’s happening with me. And to top it all off, I went today to get a CT scan for my sinuses and they asked me to go get a pregnant test done just incase since I’m past my period date. Then the receptionist grinned so big and kept staring at me and said so well be congratulating you huh! And all I wanted to say is…no don’t do this to me. You don’t get it I can’t be pregnant, I can’t even get pregnant. Here I am in the waiting room waiting for the results while probably more hair is falling out. Cheers to that.

Body Changes

8 Nov

I’m not sure if any other women have had the same experience as me, but as soon as I got off birth control my body started changing so much which I later found out was due to the PCOD. I think more than anything this change bothers me the most. This is the first time I’ve ever talked about this, outloud or simply writing. I think I’ve been pretty embarrassed about this, and also not really sure how to approach dealing with it. Ever since I stopped my BC, my pelvis has expanded so much. My pelvis area is just constantly bloated as if I am about 3 months pregnant, which always throws me off. Also, I’m having a lot more bloating around my stomach area, which comes and goes(but mostly comes) and my bra size has gone down from a small C to a small B. the whole swollen breasts and bloating around your period time never happens for me anymore, which I used to get while on birth control. I’m kind of choking up writing this, but it’s really difficult when you see your body becoming less feminine and more masculine….how do I deal with that…especially when I’m such a girlie girl? I really pray no other changes happen because I can barely deal with what is happening now…

Sharing is Caring

7 Nov

One of the friends I shared the news with about my PCOD has decided to get off her birth control to see how her cycle is and whether or not she’s good to go with baby making in a year or so. She’s a few years older than me, so when she heard my story and watched the latest Kardashian episode on khloe not ovulating, she decided to find out for herself. I didn’t mean to freak her out, and she’s most likely fine…but the fact that I raised a little bit of awareness on this subject means the world to me. It made me really happy that atleast she knew, because knowledge is power. I pray for her that she will be just fine after she gets off birth control and that she never has to deal with what I am dealing with. Sharing is definitely caring.

On another note….congratulations America, I couldn’t be happier for Obama.

4 Nov

We got the results back and he’s good. I know i thought before i might feel bad if the problem all stemed from me, but to be honest it was a huge sigh of relief that he was fine. I am happy that he never has to feel what i feel, and now if i just get myself back on a normal cycle we can try to conceive.

PCOS or PCOD? Does it even make a difference...

My husband went to do some testing for himself yesterday before i start the shots. I’ve been a nervous wreck ever since then waiting for the results. I am so torn inside because a part of me wishes i’m not the only one thats broken, the only one that could be blamed for all of our problems conceiving; yet at the same time i hope and pray so hard that there isn’t something wrong with him because that hurts our overall chances of conceiving all together. What a bad a bitter feeling to be inside of you. It’s such a daunting feeling that i’m just trying to completely wash out so that i don’t have to think about it. It’s just simply a waiting game now…

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Yoga & Dance

4 Nov

ImageYesterday i went to try a gym in Kuwait that has Pilates, Yoga & Dance classes. I’ve always been a complete advocate for health and working out to improve your body’s natural rhythm. My problem was that everytime i would go to the gym i wouldn’t really know what to do. I would stand and stare at all the different equipment in confusion about where to start and what to do. I thought that this place would be awesome, i would be able to get a great workout in without actually feeling like im working out. The yoga class worked me out to the bone, stretched me out more than i needed to and made me feel a little more whole. I then entered the dance class. Every girl that stood there looked like she was trying to work out her body and lose some weight here and there while i was the stick girl that walked in. Everyone was looking at me like why am i here exactly? I know i don’t need to lose weight, but my problems stem so much deeper. While they gave me weird looks, i stood feeling even more out of place. Their ovaries probably work. How much i envy them for that. If they only knew…

More Testing…

4 Nov

My husband went to do some testing for himself yesterday before i start the shots. I’ve been a nervous wreck ever since then waiting for the results. I am so torn inside because a part of me wishes i’m not the only one thats broken, the only one that could be blamed for all of our problems conceiving; yet at the same time i hope and pray so hard that there isn’t something wrong with him because that hurts our overall chances of conceiving all together. What a bad a bitter feeling to be inside of you. It’s such a daunting feeling that i’m just trying to completely wash out so that i don’t have to think about it. It’s just simply a waiting game now…

The Tragedy

3 Nov

Yesterday I went to check if clomid had worked. It didn’t. I’ve never been so bummed out in my life. I don’t know how to explain it. As if it wasn’t bad enough that your body doesn’t work properly. And after multiple different medications that are supposed to help fix you, they don’t. Now more than ever I want children. Sitting in the waiting room with mothers and their children, most often more than one, really breaks my heart. It hurts. It hurts because they’re all there to check up on their big bellies while I am there flat as ever trying to be fixed. Can they tell I’m not pregnant? I thought to myself. Can they tell that I’m broken and need to be fixed? I’m trying so hard to cover up my tears while walking out but I can’t hold it in. they’re all seeing me walk out with a flat stomach and tears in my eyes, they must know. I can’t stand in front of all of them anymore; I walk to the middle of the building where no one is standing. “Keep it together” I keep telling myself. The tears just roll down uncontrollably. I can’t keep standing here I just want to get out. I can’t be standing next to all these fertile Arab women that probably their main issue is getting pregnant so much. Is it all in my head? The one thing I’m supposed to be doing right as an Arab woman is bearing children. I can’t even do that. I wait for my husband to come upstairs to meet me so I can finish up with the office. I can’t even do it by myself now. We had been waiting for so long to go in that he ran quickly to go sign out of work. He had forgotten to do so when he left at 4. Those few minutes he needed to run and sign out I was called in, given the news that my body still sucks, given my shot prescription and thrown out. These traumatizing few minutes I did without him. With a quick phone call after I’m done, he comes upstairs and sees my blood shot eyes. He can tell something is wrong, but isn’t sure what it is. He grabs my paperwork and helps signs me out. I know he doesn’t get what happening, but he realizes that I need him to do this for me right now. We go downstairs to the pharmacy; I give him my prescriptions and walk around the room trying to dodge the eyes of everyone there. I just can’t stop the tears and I don’t need anyone knowing why. The second the pharmacist reads my prescription and sees me crying, he’ll know that I clearly am broken. I can’t have a baby. How sad is that. While walking around the only isle there, it’s all baby stuff. Really? How ironic. Here I am crying about not being able to have a baby while I’m staring at baby bottles, baby creams and baby wipes. Seriously? It makes me cry even more.

I had also asked the doctor about the diets that I kept reading about. She told me they wouldn’t help me at all because those are meant for people who need to lose weight, and I don’t need to lose any. I feel like more hope is slipping through my fingers. The things that are beyond my control are happening and I just needed one thing that I could do to help change that. Unfortunately there isn’t.

Now I have to take hormone shots. The ones that have FSH in them. The concept of taking a shot for me is too hard to bare. I have been sitting for a few days trying to figure out how to deal with the different knots of feelings inside of me that I just can’t seem to untie and figure out. There is a war happening inside of me on so many different levels that I feel it is almost impossible to solve at this point. I have been forever scarred by my body. I’m 23 years old. I shouldn’t be taking shots. My body shouldn’t have failed me.