Archive | December, 2012

Take Off

22 Dec

In less than 24 hours ill be headed on a flight back to the States to see my family. Here’s the update on what I will be checking out when I get there- a consultation with my Ob-Gyn. She has never previously treated me for PCOS since I was diagnosed here in Kuwait. I will be interested to see what she tells me about my specific case. I have bought all my fertility treatments today to take back with me incase I do get AF on time, when I will be there. 1 clomid pack and 6 fostimon tubes and about $110 down, I am ready to go. I will possibly be seeing a specialist…I want to see what my doc says first, but I’m really in major need of advice from the most specialized doctor on this since I’m only going back for 2 weeks. I also looked up and emailed an acupuncturist who specializes in treating PCOS- or so I hope. I haven’t heard back yet but I really hope that I can do this because I heard it helps. I also set up appointments with a therapist…I definitely need it after all I’ve been through here all alone. I think my sanity is almost gone from trying to conceive. What hurts the most is that I’m 23 and broken. I know I keep repeating it…but I’m still not over the fact that I have this. I think therapy will help me understand and accept my situation a lot better, and everyone needs to be healthy mentally, physically and emotionally to have a baby. Also, this time will also be jam packed with lots of family and friends time…this is also part of my healing…having my loved ones around me. I will definitely miss the hubs…but I need this…we need this. I need to make sure that I’m getting the best treatment possible with PCOS. I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday…and may 2013 be our lucky year ladies…cheers!

Results.

20 Dec

So here it is, just as I expected the last few days. I didn’t even ovulate. I had a breakdown yesterday, not such a bad one, but really mostly wailing and crying all day uncontrollably. I woke up today and started crying right in bed as well because just like most bad days, we go to sleep and when we wake up we wish it was just a dream…and when we find out that it’s not…the whole world starts crumbling down on you again. I’m struggling. The only silver lining is that I will be traveling in 4 days to go see my family in the states as well as get a second opinion on my treatment. The worst part of all of this I how I found out that I didn’t ovulate. I was at the hospital getting a cleaning for my teeth done when I decided to stop by my doctors office to see if they had gotten my results. After half an hour of waiting I found out that they did and went to pick up the results at the lab. My progesterone number was so low, that I literally sunk deep down into my black hole. I couldn’t believe it. A 1.64. I just wanted to get a confirmation today from her, and I did. So here it is. My PCOS story.

The deep dark ugly black hole

18 Dec

I blew it and i cheated. I went to the pharmacy to pick up an early pregnancy test to test on friday and then he ended up telling me about a test that can tell you if youre pregnant upto 5 days past intercourse. I looked at him and said forreal?? Is that even possible? He said yeab ofcourse! After a lot of back and forths with my brain i decided to test for the heck of it. To prove the test wrong? To prove me wrong? A little bit of everything. Ofcourse the test came back negative. I didnt ovulate and i didnt get pregnant. I dont wanna tell my husband, i wont kill the beautiful idea in his head that i might be carrying our baby for a few more days until i hear from my doctor about my progesterone test. I will now sink into my deep, dark hole of depression. Excuse me if i do.

Progesterone Test

18 Dec

Im having a problem because i woke uo bright and early today to go do my progesterone test…you know the one i couldnt sleep yesterday because of. When i asked the lab how long it will take to get the results they said 3 days. 3 whole $//@^@&!^ days!!!! I vowed i wouldnt do a pregnancy test until i found out if i ovulated or not…and now this has put my hope more on hold. I saw a tiny bit of spotting yesterday and i had cramps before, but for some reason i keep reminding myself that its probably just all in my head. All my symptoms arent real…i did not even ovulate. Excrutiating has just become torturous. Sigh.

Another rant, because its my TWW.

17 Dec

Tomorrow is the big day. No, not the big day to find out if I’m pregnant, but the big day to see if my body did what it’s actually suppose to do (ovulating) or not. I’m so scared. Like so nauseous to my stomach about to throw up because If she told me I never ovulated I might have another major meltdown (which has already happened 3 times while waiting for this new cycle to begin). My beautiful new marriage Is being tested in so many ways and it really hurts. I’m so sad with what I’ve become through all of this. I have heard before that infertility is very trying, but boy did I have no idea what it does to marriages. And they say couples have a higher chance of divorcing after adding babies to the family due to stress, bitch please, those people never even heard of infertile couples…cuz that definitely trumps having a baby! There’s nothing worse than the pity and sorrow in a couples eyes who can’t have children when they look at other couples who have. Damn it…I’m 23 years old..a healthy (semi ofcourse…I have PCOS) who just got married less than a year ago! I am so scared…I don’t want to be doing this…I just want it all to go away. You see the problem with my “symptoms” is that I got a bad stomach virus the last few days of my shots. Like ended up in the hospital with 4 IVs in me sick to my stomach. BUT…I never threw up or was nauseous. I have been so nauseous the last few days, and few foods make me want to literally throw up…but I’ve been holding it back because I’m so terrified of throwing up. I have always had this phobia. So funny, I kept thinking to myself I’ve never wanted to throw up so bad (as well as not) so much in my life before. I have been having lots of cramps also…but nothing in the boob department, that’s why I think it’s a complete fail. This is the first time I say this outloud and it’s even more painful as it is in my head. I didn’t ovulate because I still have my little boobs due to my uneven hormones. Those damn boobs…I just want something to happen…I’m yearning to go back to the cup size I used to be. I have been frantically looking up dates I can do a bpt to find out earlier if I am or not because I simply can’t wait. Thinking about all of this makes me feel so sick to my stomach, even more than I do already. I want to live in this La la land that doesn’t include hearing you didn’t ovulate this month because that will most likely mean an extra two week wait on Mother Nature to arrive and then we go through the same routine of shots and clomid. The shots hurt…they sucked!!! I keep praying and crying to god that this will be the last month I have to go through this..I just can’t anymore. I think at my next visit I might just cry to my doctor from how overwhelmed I am. I’ve been holding myself and being so strong around her when all I wanna do is cry and scream why!! Just please fix me! I can’t sleep now. I can’t sleep because all I’m thinking about is the progesterone blood test tomorrow. Did I? Did I not? Assessing every little feeling I’m having and comparing It to the symptoms I usually have when I don’t ovulate. They’re basically the same I have now. And lets not talk about the husband, with all the anxiety and stress he’s going through…I don’t even wanna look in his face if this test fails. Fml. My body sucks. And all I wanna do is cry/it’s all I’m doing. Im done.

Overwhelmed. 2 weeks.

16 Dec

I’ve been literally all over the place yet stuck at the same time. I’m trying to tell myself to be patient and wait…but I can’t because I feel like my mind Is playing tricks on me. When I went into the doctors office about a week ago to see how many eggs I have and if treatment worked…she told me she saw nothing with either meant I ovulated already or I made no eggs at all. She said it looks to her like I did ovulate but I’m going in in two days to do a progesterone test to see if I actually did ovulate or not. I’m having all these weird symptoms except the big sore boobs which worries me, because that’s what usually happens when I do t ovulate. Every single time I feel a cramp I think to myself is that my baby growing in there, or is it my infertile womb, or is it my brain? There’s absolutely nothing worse then staying at home doing nothing (since I moved overseas for my husbands job) and sitting and thinking about whether you’re pregnant or not. I muttered the words I think I’m pregnant to him and completely regretted it once it sank in that If its not true…I would have dragged him down this roller coaster ride with me. I feel guilty now, really bad for saying it. Now I think he actually does believe it. I don’t want my body to be a liar…I don’t want to be feeling pregnant because I want to but because I really am. I think that if I felt my boobs sore or get bigger (since they got smaller from getting off bc and being diagnosed with pcos) I would feel sooooo much better. I kept googling when’s the earliest time to do a blood test…I was going to cheat and go behind my doctors back because A) I can’t wait it’s killing me and B) I want to surprise the hubs if I am. I am currently feeling all this cramping…and god bless if it if my failing lady parts and not a real baby…I might have to go to an insane asylum because the stress this is causing me is unimaginable. I know that if this doesn’t work, ill need to travel back to the states and see my family, mainly for my sanity because the poor husband has been overwhelmed with my constant crying, depression and pure torture that I have been overcome with. It’s really all straining our marriage and were just in the beginning phase. My little baby…if ur inside me hear me because I have been going through hell trying to have you. Please God, help me I can’t take anymore of this.

The mustache.

13 Dec

Today marks the day I notice the stash that I’ve been apparently growing. I’m on the verge of a nervous breakdown. How? After 23 years of blessed hairlessness…life somehow does this evil twist of fate and makes me grow hair in places I shouldn’t be growing. I come from a hairless family…my brothers can even barely grow their own mustaches. This is unbelievable. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know whether to take meds, wax it off and accept it as fate or cry myself to sleep. A real blow in the security department there. Not sure while doing fertility treatments what the recommendation for excess hair is for people with pcos? Anyone have any ideas or experiences? I would really appreciate it.
Fml.

Virus

11 Dec

Nothing makes fertility treatment any worse than the worst case of stomach virus there is. I literally have been living in the bathroom for the last 3 days, not being able to eat or do anything none the less. This has really depressed me because all I want is a peaceful, healthy, nutritious environment to hopefully help the process for conceiving a baby. I was at the hospital most of the day today receiving my last shot of fostimon and then having about 3 IVs put in me to replenish my fluids. It was that bad…3 IVs. All I kept asking the doctors was, will this effect my fertility treatments in any way?! I’m all home now and ready to sleep sleep sleep the night away (if this virus will allow me). I hope you all had a better day than I did.

The rant.

10 Dec

Nothing blows more than fertility treatments. I was having a pretty tough two days with my emotions, better yet with anger control. I lost my temper on anyone and everyone. I should have been walking around with a sign saying “do not converse, angry woman doing fertility treatments”. I was a hazard to everyone around me. I’ve been feeling ok emotionally about doing the treatment because I have high hopes that this month will be good, not sure if that’s the best thing but I just can’t think about it not working because then I go into really deep depression. I’ve been pretty okay today till I went to get my third shot, and low and behold the nurse had no idea what she’s doing. Unlike the states where they take fertility treatments very seriously, here in Kuwait they don’t. No follow up, no blood work, just take the medicine and come back after ur done. I love my doctor she’s wonderful, dot get me wrong, but many times I wish I had more. It’s already nerve wrecking going through treatments, and then not havin anything to reassure you is hard. Anyways, back to the nurse. She put the liquid with the bottle of medicine for it to mix, an she SHOOK it, I was just horrified. I remember reading that you shouldn’t shake the bottle, and the stupid bitch shook it, does she not understand that I can’t have anyone mess with my treatment!!! That a month lost is like a century to me with the mourning of a baby we coudlve had. I was so mad. Now I stopped by my doctors office to tell her what happened and to see if my stomach pain was ok. I’ve had stomach pain an diarrhea since I woke up this morning, and I’m not sure if its a side effect. I’ve been really worried about overstimulation esp since they don’t really follow up here with treatment. Now I’m in the waiting room, with more pregnant women, and I feel depressed again. Hallelujah. Fuck my life. Ok I’m done with my angry rant now.

Is Organic really the way to go?

8 Dec

Having PCOS makes me wonder, how does this happen all of a sudden to three second generation cousins, where their mothers had no sign of it at all? It really confuses me and makes me wonder if all the hormones that are stuffed in our food have anything to do with it. Ever since I got diagnosed I have become a lot more health conscious, and even more so after failed attempts to ovulate to try and have a baby. I started wondering if I changed even more the food that I’m eating, including healthy snacking and about 10% indulgence in my favorite unhealthy food, will lead me anywhere. I have been eating healthy, trying as best as I can to get more organic food, eating lots and lots of fruits and vegetables, and just crossing my fingers. It really makes me mad when I think about food now because all of these food companies have just been hurting us for the sake of producing and making money. I would like to know that when I am consciously making a decision to eat healthy, that I might not be actually adding toxins into my body instead of getting better and healthier. I now feel like some of the blame of my PCOS can fall straight onto the food we eat, the non-organic food we eat that is. I was always the anti-healthy girl, the non-gymer and living life on the edge. Life has just done a complete 180 on me and everything My friends used to make fun of me about, has just caught upto me. I don’t know whether its funny or sad. Maybe a little bit of both. Anyways, green-teaing it up, fruiting it up, and vegging it up to see what happens this month.
Think about what you’re eating and putting into your system, you never know you might actually be doing long term damage without realizing..