Another rant, because its my TWW.

17 Dec

Tomorrow is the big day. No, not the big day to find out if I’m pregnant, but the big day to see if my body did what it’s actually suppose to do (ovulating) or not. I’m so scared. Like so nauseous to my stomach about to throw up because If she told me I never ovulated I might have another major meltdown (which has already happened 3 times while waiting for this new cycle to begin). My beautiful new marriage Is being tested in so many ways and it really hurts. I’m so sad with what I’ve become through all of this. I have heard before that infertility is very trying, but boy did I have no idea what it does to marriages. And they say couples have a higher chance of divorcing after adding babies to the family due to stress, bitch please, those people never even heard of infertile couples…cuz that definitely trumps having a baby! There’s nothing worse than the pity and sorrow in a couples eyes who can’t have children when they look at other couples who have. Damn it…I’m 23 years old..a healthy (semi ofcourse…I have PCOS) who just got married less than a year ago! I am so scared…I don’t want to be doing this…I just want it all to go away. You see the problem with my “symptoms” is that I got a bad stomach virus the last few days of my shots. Like ended up in the hospital with 4 IVs in me sick to my stomach. BUT…I never threw up or was nauseous. I have been so nauseous the last few days, and few foods make me want to literally throw up…but I’ve been holding it back because I’m so terrified of throwing up. I have always had this phobia. So funny, I kept thinking to myself I’ve never wanted to throw up so bad (as well as not) so much in my life before. I have been having lots of cramps also…but nothing in the boob department, that’s why I think it’s a complete fail. This is the first time I say this outloud and it’s even more painful as it is in my head. I didn’t ovulate because I still have my little boobs due to my uneven hormones. Those damn boobs…I just want something to happen…I’m yearning to go back to the cup size I used to be. I have been frantically looking up dates I can do a bpt to find out earlier if I am or not because I simply can’t wait. Thinking about all of this makes me feel so sick to my stomach, even more than I do already. I want to live in this La la land that doesn’t include hearing you didn’t ovulate this month because that will most likely mean an extra two week wait on Mother Nature to arrive and then we go through the same routine of shots and clomid. The shots hurt…they sucked!!! I keep praying and crying to god that this will be the last month I have to go through this..I just can’t anymore. I think at my next visit I might just cry to my doctor from how overwhelmed I am. I’ve been holding myself and being so strong around her when all I wanna do is cry and scream why!! Just please fix me! I can’t sleep now. I can’t sleep because all I’m thinking about is the progesterone blood test tomorrow. Did I? Did I not? Assessing every little feeling I’m having and comparing It to the symptoms I usually have when I don’t ovulate. They’re basically the same I have now. And lets not talk about the husband, with all the anxiety and stress he’s going through…I don’t even wanna look in his face if this test fails. Fml. My body sucks. And all I wanna do is cry/it’s all I’m doing. Im done.

One Response to “Another rant, because its my TWW.”

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