Archive | January, 2013

Round II FSH

29 Jan

Just had a pretty tough last hour. I started my fsh shots today, and had gone to the clinic to see how I can give it to myself for the next two weeks. This nurse was amazing. So sweet, kind and gentle with me. She showed the hubs how to mix the medication and then suggested I give myself the shot infront of them so that I can learn better. In Kuwait, women don’t give themselves the shots, they go to the hospitals where the nurse gives it to you. I felt that with the amount I’m taking this time I’d rather keep the emotional, mental and physical pain behind closed doors without anyone seeing. Keep it private between my husband and I. Anyways, I did it. I gave myself the shot. I don’t know how, it was emotionally shocking to me but I feel like a stronger woman now. The hubs and the nurse were cheering me on while I was giving it to myself. It really burns, but the good news is that since I’m giving it to myself I can control how much goes in thus how much pain I will endure. Hubs kept telling me how proud he was of me…it’s hard to do this, but I must.
Down side…I’m sick, yet again. This is the second time I get sick while doing fertility shots as if it wasn’t bad enough. Now I have to take antibiotics, hooray!
That is all. So long for a new month. Around the time I find out if this month worked or not, it will be my 24th birthday. I’m hoping for the biggest gift of all ❤


26 Jan

My husband and I decided to take a last minute trip to Dubai since he had a three day weekend off. It was such a great change and relief from our TTC journey. I have reached a conclusion. I am really depressed in Kuwait, not because it’s not a beautiful country or because it has a lot of cool place to go and things to do, but simply because this is where my nightmare began and is still on going. I’ve realized that when I go anywhere else in the world I feel a million times better. Kuwait/home=infertility. Anywhere else=life is moving on. I even forget what were going through which is amazing because its all I ever think about. Around the time I got diagnosed I had this idea to start an evening dress line that is more conservative yet chic and elegant for those women who can’t wear sleeveless and really open dresses. I had the idea, the passion, the sketches and all the ideas put together, then two things happened. Our TTC journey took a harsh twist downward as well as I had a hard time finding a manufacturer. Right now, it hurts me everyday when I think about my dress line. I know I should consider going back to it, but I knew that I would néed to go see the manufacturer in turkey or china and I can’t right now with needing to be closely monitored. What an unfortunate failure that I’m not sure ill ever get to. Anyways, positive thoughts positive thoughts. I’m waiting for AF to come any minute now, and I’m very anxious about starting the shots. Hubs said hell try his best to learn from the nurse how to do it and be there with me, he is really freaked out of needles, so for him that’s a huge thing. And for me it’s a huge thing that he’s still gonna try to be there for me and get over his fears just like I am. I pray. I pray it’s our last month. I pray that this isn’t as torturous as my last month with just four shots.
On another note…Dubai is amazing! And if you ever get the chance you should def def go!!


23 Jan

When do we stop feeling sorry for ourselves? When does this disease stop defining us as women so we can start living our lives normally? I’m so sick of it, sick of it all. As I laid my head down to sleep, all these thoughts kept running through my head. I’ve gotten into enough fights with enough people(mainly ones closest to me), felt sorry for myself 99% of the time as well as hoping for the best but feeling like it’ll take a lot more months of shots for me to hopefully get pregnant. Honestly? I’m scared of the shots, but I don’t dare say it because I have to take it to make our baby, since my stupid body is the one that’s off. It makes me feel like it’s my fault. I keep thinking did i do something wrong to cause this? I just still don’t understand. About 20 shots, per month, just to ovulate…doesn’t mean ill get pregnant. And lets not talk about potential loss. Where do you go from there? After trying for months with a gazillion shots which internally I will always have the scars from…and then losing it. I can’t even bare the thought. My mind is wandering to the worst thoughts ever because I’m scared. I’m terrified, and angry and I feel myself slipping into another bout of helplessness and depression. This isn’t good. I’ve seen a few posts from some ladies on their losses recently, so i dedicate this post to them. To their babies, to their families, for how strong you’ve been, still are and always will be. I pray one day I can be as strong, and may god never put me in the circumstance of losing my own baby. Anyways, those are all my crazy thoughts. Goodnight all the way from kuwait.

Raw foods & Juicing

22 Jan

A friend through a friend found out that I have problems ovulating so he reached out to me about juicing and a raw diet. He sent me a long email about the benefits of raw juicing and how much that helps the body be able to do what it’s suppose to do. I still do believe that I need treatment, raw foods & juicing won’t be my only solution but I know it will give me a huge boost in getting there. After my own research I really felt that this will be great, he convinced me. I really hope to all the ladies reading this, try organic, raw foods(meaning dont cook your vegetables just eat them raw which is when they are at their highest nutritional levels) and stay away from meat that is processed or filled with hormones. You will feel a huge difference in your energy level as well as your body will be healthy and ready enough for your future baby 🙂

21 Jan

Love this post.

Twelve Years Trying


I’m not a marriage expert by any means, but I’ve been in one for over seventeen years.  Of course, every marriage has its ups and downs, times of troubles and times of happiness, but I believe that dealing with infertility is a unique challenge in itself.  Blame, guilt, anger and grief are some pretty powerful emotions.

My husband, Jason, and I have been through so many things together on our journey to have a family that it seems almost unbelievable.  It is amazing to me that we’ve made it through everything and still are together.  We’ve been through some very unique circumstances, but we were like so many others in that we were going through an emotional rollercoaster just trying to have a baby.

Having your hopes dashed with each negative pregnancy test was only the beginning.  I felt like a failure that I couldn’t get pregnant when it seemed…

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19 Jan

I am soo happy because I actually found a doctor here who knows what he’s doing. I’m actually gonna start treatment and I cant believe it. I feel like a new day has started since I finally took the first pill of primolut to get my period. I’m feeling a little bit more of woman now that something is actually happening in my body. The doctor was so professional and knew exactly what I needed to get done just like my specialist told me in the states. my husband is a total Kuwaiti man, when I had first discussed with him about male specialists he told me no way that would happen and just to try and find a female doctor. I came here and everytime I would do research I only found male specialists! I was frustrated and finally told him yesterday that this is all I’m finding and that as much as its uncomfortable for me too, I really want to get working on this baby thing. He told me okay, let’s go and check it out first. I called and found an appointment for today, we went and he told me he needed to do an ultrasound, I semi panicked and wondered if the hubs would be falling apart. As soon as the doctor came in he was such a gentleman and asked me if I wanted my husband with me and I told him yes. My husband came in and everything went okay. When he was doing the ultrasound on me I saw my ovaries and the polycysts were so clear, the clearest I had ever seen them. He told me also that I’m underweight, and that I should try to gain a little bit of weight, but how can I while I’m constantly feeling nausea?? When we left I asked my husband if he was okay with it all and he said he’s I’m totally fine with him because he knows what he’s doing and because he also was very respectful while doing the ultrasound, which is very important for Arab men, especially. They are very overprotective and sensitive about any men getting close to their wives in any way. Anyways, I’m finally starting another month, I just cant wait to hopefully ovulate this month whether it results in a pregnancy or not. I feel blessed and ready. And the doctor finally explained to me why ive been feeling so nauseous, it’s because of the metformin, my god it makes me sick!!
Ready as ever, hopefully my period won’t take 5 days to come this time 🙂

Arrived & feeling helpless

18 Jan

My title says it all. I arrived and I’m already feeling helpless and depressed again. I am Sooooo happy to be seeing ny husband, but this huge and unbaring diagnosis I’ve been left with is too much for me to handle here. I am feeling helpless because there is no doctor to be found, and ny gut tells me that I won’t end up finding one and that most likely well have to wait for march, which means that if march doesn’t work well have to wait until possibly end of July or early august to try again. I am overwhelmed with sadness and pain, and I just wanted to vent it out.


17 Jan

Why haven’t I ever read about PCOS in all the popular magazines? I’ve never picked up every single issue of every magazine, but i have my wide share of magazines that I pick up every few months or so. I read about so many moving stories that really she’s light on issues affecting women and society as a whole, but I’ve never come across one about PCOS. Why is this such a hush hush topic? Why haven’t I ever read anything about it? You would think it would have affected enough people by now that someone would have come out talking about it. Why haven’t celebrities come out about their own PCOS, and why haven’t we written to big magazines with our stories? I’m just baffled, because I feel like if I had read something about it I might have had a better idea of A)what I’m dealing with when I got diagnosed or B)atleast had a hint about this silent disease that we mainly find out about once were trying to get pregnant. Someone explain to me why PCOS is still so silent?! Even in our world that is full of ways communication!

Flying Back

16 Jan

So here’s my deal so far. I’m leaving tomorrow to head back to Kuwait and I’m a little nervous. I talked to my specialist about my lab results today and if she had found anyone in Kuwait yet that she could trust with getting my fertility treatments done there. So far she told me she hasn’t found any. There’s a new facility that just opened in Abu Dhabi, but we can’t go there and do treatment because ill have to be getting shots and be monitored for about 2 weeks she said. I’m scared that I won’t find a trustworthy doctor and that ill have to put off the treatment until we come back to visit again at the end of march. I’m just a little bummed about potentially putting off two more months as well as I’m not really sure what to do with my periodsless body at the moment if i don’t end up doing treatment. Is it healthy to stay two months without a period? Everything I read said no. Higher potential of endometrial cancer later on? Don’t know, and to be completely frank there is not a bit that I can stand about my body when I don’t get my period. I literally want to crawl out of my skin. Everything is off, everything hurts, and it just keeps reminding me that I’m not normal. The good thing is that all my test results came back normal except my AMH, it was 8.5 when it’s suppose to be between 3-5 at the most. This just further confirms my diagnosis she told me. What now? Not really sure, so much will be played by ear.
So I ended up talking to a close friend about what’s happening with me, about an hour into the conversation she tells me that she’s had similar symptoms to me and that “gut feeling” that something is of but she wasn’t really sure what it could be. My heart sank for her, because I feel like there’s a bigger chance that its PCOS than its not. I really hope it’s not.
Anyways, packing and getting ready to head back I’m so tired already. May the future be bright with lots of babies for everyone.

Endometrial Biopsy

8 Jan

Here’s my issue- being ripped apart from my insides to be told that I didn’t ovulate. Well, no shit Sherlock I’ve been repeating the same story for the past 6 months. My progesterone tests say it, my lack of period says it, and my other doctors say it. It made me realize my gynecologist here has no idea what she’s dealing with. I get that it’s good to do extra tests as precautions and all, but I really dislike being told that without this biopsy they can’t help me with anything, gave me hell to do it for me since I only had a two day vault to get it done in, and then in the end just reaching this simple conclusion. Even my fertility specialist didn’t think it was necessary to get it done. I’m just mad cuz it hurt…it hurt like a bitch. Has anyone else ever done an endometrial biopsy? I also got it done the same day as my septoplasty which made matters even worse, as if I wasn’t going to be in enough pain on my own right? Either way, what a half waste of my time and pain. I hope no one else has to ever get one. She said it would feel like a really bad cramp…what it actually felt like was a dagger litterly ripping my insides apart…I almost had a heart attack. Either way, here I am with the same conclusion I came with. Waiting on more technical tests to come back this week or the next and then heading back to Kuwait to hopefully start new rounds of treatment. It’s a new year…I’m looking at it just like a new beginning.