Sigh..

23 Jan

When do we stop feeling sorry for ourselves? When does this disease stop defining us as women so we can start living our lives normally? I’m so sick of it, sick of it all. As I laid my head down to sleep, all these thoughts kept running through my head. I’ve gotten into enough fights with enough people(mainly ones closest to me), felt sorry for myself 99% of the time as well as hoping for the best but feeling like it’ll take a lot more months of shots for me to hopefully get pregnant. Honestly? I’m scared of the shots, but I don’t dare say it because I have to take it to make our baby, since my stupid body is the one that’s off. It makes me feel like it’s my fault. I keep thinking did i do something wrong to cause this? I just still don’t understand. About 20 shots, per month, just to ovulate…doesn’t mean ill get pregnant. And lets not talk about potential loss. Where do you go from there? After trying for months with a gazillion shots which internally I will always have the scars from…and then losing it. I can’t even bare the thought. My mind is wandering to the worst thoughts ever because I’m scared. I’m terrified, and angry and I feel myself slipping into another bout of helplessness and depression. This isn’t good. I’ve seen a few posts from some ladies on their losses recently, so i dedicate this post to them. To their babies, to their families, for how strong you’ve been, still are and always will be. I pray one day I can be as strong, and may god never put me in the circumstance of losing my own baby. Anyways, those are all my crazy thoughts. Goodnight all the way from kuwait.

5 Responses to “Sigh..”

  1. iSpytheWorld29 January 23, 2013 at 11:15 pm #

    Thank you for a honest and from the heart post. Wishing you all the best in the New Year!

  2. expecting to be expecting January 24, 2013 at 5:15 am #

    Sorry to hear you’re having one of those days 😦

    I’m still getting to know your blog and where you are in your cycle/journey so I’m assuming you’re just starting? If yes, I remember thinking all of those things, too. Funny just now i remembered how I fought IVF for so long, I refused to consider it. I’d forgotten that! But yes, for about a year I told those closest to me that we’d never do it. Too $$$, too scary, takes over your life. etc.

    Haha- I shoulda listened to me!

    But no, it does get easier, I think because every step happens so (fucking) slowly that you have a lot more time to adjust than you’d think before you start w/ injections.

    In any case, I’ll be following along as you go to your next step. So at least whatever happens you’ll have other people who know how brave, strong and determined you are to support you.

    • bloggerkuwait January 24, 2013 at 6:05 am #

      You’re so sweet, and thank you for all your support. I am fairly new (7 months and counting) into my PCOS and fertility road. More than anything I am hurt and confused as to why Clomid didnt work for me and then Clomid plus shots didnt work either. I read online that Clomid works for about 70% of PCOSers, so how come it hasn’t worked for me? but the lowest blow of all honestly because I havent met anyone going through the same thing as me is that I’m 23 years old. I’m 23, suppose to be prime fertility stage and here I am getting jacked up with so many hormones, it just boggles my mind. maybe if I was older I would be more accepting of the situation, but you can only imagine how that would make me feel. I am the only case I’ve read about that’s doing 20 shots at 23. But truly, this community, you and the other women give me so much hope and support. Its funny when I hear anyone telling me that I’m strong, because I don’t feel it. But I see it in every single one of you ladies that it gives me the ability to keep trying and going through this. I’m so proud of you and happy that you are trying IVF, I actually was told that I might have to resort to it if the can’t get the right amount of follicles for a couple of months. just think of it this way, it sucks ass yes, but that gives you a much higher chance of holding your baby in your arms. I will be following your story closely, and supporting you all the way through IVF! 🙂

      • expecting to be expecting January 25, 2013 at 3:48 am #

        Thank you 🙂

        Wow, 23 is so young for this. I can’t imagine. I’m 35 so at times I think to myself, well, this sort of makes sense. But if I were in your position I would be baffled, too.

        You’re doing great so far and thank goodness you found out now rather than a few more years down the road. I think that if I had one regret or have learned one thing from all this it’s that sooner is better for tackling infertility- more time to try new protocols/drugs and time to breaks between treatments (not that any of us ever like taking breaks!)

      • bloggerkuwait January 25, 2013 at 4:26 am #

        I agree with you. Younger is better 🙂 One of my fave quotes “Just keep swimming..just keep swimming…” And it speaks to all of us!

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