Archive | March, 2013

Miracle

29 Mar

I want to thank you all so much for your sweet and meaningful prayers- because my miracle has been answered! The insurance has accepted our IVF treatments, and we will be starting injectables on the 6th. I am in complete shock and disbelief. It doesn’t cover everything- so there is still a financial burden on us to get this process going…but anything that helps is amazing. I cried, I cried so hard because I was so sure it would be denied. For two weeks I kept going through my head what it would be like when they tell me you’ve been denied, or how it would feel to read that you’ve been denied in order to accept it and allow it to hurt me a little less. When the insurance lady said approved- I paused and I couldn’t speak. Did you say approved? I’m waiting for a deny lady! Anyways…thank you all for your prayers…I so so appreciate them ‚̧

HSG

25 Mar

Today I had my HSG…and let me tell you it was just as painful and horrifying as my endometrial biopsy. I don’t understand why it’s so different pain wise for many people…but I fell into this is horrible group. Initially the saline didn’t hurt at all…it’s only when she put in the iodine that my body started cramping so bad I could barely breathe. The problem is, even though my tubes were clear….initially the right tube wouldn’t let any liquid in, so she had to squeeze more iodine in me to get it to go into the right side. A big fml. I kind of wished that i would have some kind of blockage because then the insurance would automatically cover IVF nomatter how long I’ve been trying, but its also a good thing to not have a blocked tube. I am still waiting to hear back on the decision being made by the insurance company. In the meantime my sister in law asked me what are you going to do if they deny you? And I couldn’t find an answer for her. I can’t continue doing injectables because it will be absolutely pointless when everytime my cycle will get canceled. I also can’t keep spending money on something that will keep failing. Aside from all that, going from 0-120 on fertility shots is not the best option esp that it gives me anxiety and the craziness starts kicking in. What’s my other option? Birth control, and put aside baby making until we have a better plan- aka a few years from now? I am so very sad. I know everyone has their own daemons to deal with when it comes to PCOS- I just honestly don’t know what to do with myself now. I’m learning to keep putting faith in god and know that when its the right time for us to have a baby, we will. I’m telling myself that if IVF doesn’t go trough now, that God doesn’t intend to have us have a baby now. Maybe later. But I can tell you I still feel sad, because I don’t even want to have an ounce of hope and then get crushed so badly when I get the no, which it most likely will be.

Shit hits the fan yet again

21 Mar

I have had a really hard time since I arrived and have been trying to take it all in. As soon as I arrived I went and saw my specialist the next day. After ultrasound and bloodwork, my estrogen was a bit elevated…and they found 45 follicles growing at the same pace! 45? What am I a chicken?! This further proved why IVF is the course of action that has to be taken because its practically impossibly to have one or two follicles growing the way they want it to. After the wonderful news that I am perfect to start IVF…they told me that they would put me on birth control for 2 weeks or so until my husband comes and then we will start injections. I was ecstatic. Then the insurance info came in…I had to have been actively trying for two years in order to qualify. The problem is…I’m a special case…and I can’t just take injections because I will have like 700 babies at once. They told me we will have to hear from them a denial/approval before appealing. Appealing will take about 30 days, and I don’t have that. There that goes out the window. I’ve given up on this plan that just never ends up working out. I had a mock embryo transfer that is apparently covered in case (miraculously) I get approved. Emphasis on miracle, because I know that they are assholes and they won’t approve it for shits and giggles. And now I am having an HSG on Monday and I am practically terrified because I heard a lot of you say it’s painful. If you’ve had it done, was it painful? And what was your experience like?

A Change of Plan

13 Mar

There are so many uncertainties once you start the journey to TTC. The uncertainty that your body will adjust accordingly to medication, the uncertainty of fertility, and then the uncertainty of carrying to term. I have learned today the new meaning of uncertainty because in a weird and magnificient way my path to treatment has been one trying yet miraculous journey. The trying part has been since the beginning. The miraculous part is how the past few days have fallen together. Before you catch your breath..no, I am not pregnant. If I were, I would be screaming from the top of my lungs in this post. This cycle was suppose to go normally. I was suppose to atleast get some kind of movement nomatter how miniscule just to make sure I can get to the next step of IVF in the states at the end of this month. Because I had booked my roundtrip ticket from the States when I moved to Kuwait with my husband…I had to have a return flight to the US again. In august when I made my way to kuwait, I chose my return flight to be in March. I had booked for the 24th because thats when my husband could travel from work and we were set on it. I made my plans and adjusted my cycles to make sure that when I arrive I can restart. Everything was normal and I was preparing for traveling in two weeks when this cycle became a bust this morning and my doctor told me to abandon all medication. This has failed and AF has arrived. Ofcourse as you have read, I panicked. I didnt want this to happen because in that case I would need to do retrieval around the time my husband leaves back and we all know we need his sperm! I frantically emailed my Specialist in the states and told her what happened. I said should I book a flight or continue on Progesterone. She said continue and keep us updated. My husband told me if you need to leave tomorrow to start treatment just go, but since my doctor didnt tell me to leave I didnt. I also didnt want to pay the extra fees knowing it might not be necessary to go, but if needed be I would. As I was sitting and discussing with my friend how uncertain this entire experience has been, I get the biggest sign from god. I randomly opened my email and found one for my flight saying that I was ready to check in. Which meant that ny flight was leaving in 4 hours and if I go I have to pack everything within 2 hours. I called my husband frantically telling him I dont know how this happened! My flight was booked for the 24th!! As much as we didnt want to be seperated for that long…we couldnt see it as anything but a sign from God. A sign that I should go, whatever the outcome will be. I am currently in transit…accepting this change of fate and adjusting accordingly…for we have all realized thats all we can do. I will continue to adjust accordingly to whatever the outcome may be from this..but I finally feel an arm on my shoulder watching over me and my baby to be.

AF

12 Mar

Somehow AF has arrived half way through my cycle. I was suppose to take my last two shots today to try and ovulate…but when that spotting turned into a heavy flow…I knew something was wrong. I called the doctor and he told me okay this month is another failed cycle, don’t take another shot. The only thing that came to my mind was this cant be happening because I need a full cycle in the states to do treatment there. This can’t be happening. This just messed up everything I’ve been waiting and planning for. We had just gotten the A OK from my doctor that IVF would probably be the next form of treatment required to conceive. This just messed it all up. I begged him to give me something to stop this bleeding until I get to the states in literally less than 2 weeks. He gave me progesterone pills…but I know that by the time the pills start working the flow would have ended. Since this is a mid cycle bleed he said it would only be about 2-3 days of bleeding. I am distraught right now.

I want IVF

11 Mar

I cried today because I see no end to this traumatizing experience. I cried today because I’m in constant pain from this, whether its physical, mental or emotional. I went for a check up today…I should have ovulated by now. My follicles still weren’t big enough, but the problem is that they are all growing at the same pace. I have 12 just on my right ovary. He told me to stop today and take two more shots tomorrow. Now I’m at 13 shots for this month…I am emotionally burnt and I don’t really know what to do or feel. I feel like this is such a failure. They all told me this…it will be really hard to have someone as young as you make as little follicles as we need. You will maybe resort to IVF. Is it horrible of me that I just want to do it next month? I can’t keep shooting myself up and come out with failure after failure after failure. Tonight I started feeling excruciating cramping and when I went to use the restroom I found spotting. Now I know spotting like this happens when an embryo implants and as much as I would love to think that’s happening to me it’s quite impossible. After calling the doctor he told me yes your endometrium isn’t thick enough so you need to take medicine until I see you two days from now. Really universe? Because I need more pain and confusion ontop of everything I have already! I emailed my specialist in the states after I finished with my doctor and told her I don’t think this month will work…I’m coming on the 24th of march and I need to do a cycle with you. I begged her to do IVF. I don’t know if she will approve or my insurance since I haven’t done regular cycles in the states yet, everything has been in Kuwait. I’m just tired, I can’t keep doing failed cycles. I just want IVF.

Liberated

8 Mar

Yesterday I went and basically cut off all of my hair, mainly to liberate myself from the anxiety I’ve had over 7 years with my hair fall out. When my hair started falling out 7 years ago there were no medical reasons other than ‘stress’ and with having very thin hair naturally, you can tell why that really affected me. I started being envious of every girl with long hair, I really wished that’s all I had. Ofcourse after being diagnosed, I realized that was the culprit of my hair fallout. Since I started treatment, the doctors told me you might lose more hair. That was tough for me. I had some hair fallout until recently, it started falling out a lot. I then realized that I must just liberate myself from this traumatizing experience that I go through every time I keep seeing hair fallout. Yesterday as I was sitting down…the amount of hair that was falling out made me just get up and go do it. Since I’ve always strived for long hair, I never cut my hair short..and whenever I trimmed my hair I would cry because I would be growing it for so long. I won’t keep doing this anymore to myself. For women, I feel like a lot of times when we feel frustrated the first thing we do is change our hair, feelin like it might have some literal effect on our lives. I went and cut it…to start a new beginning. I may never have the hair I’ve always wanted…but I can control how much I am affected by what is happening. This way, I will not let it haunt me everytime I see a long strand fall out.

20130308-115914.jpg