Archive | May, 2013

Graduation from SGFC

31 May

Today, was baby’s graduation day. Bitter sweet because I wasn’t willing to leave my amazing doctor that made getting pregnant with this baby possible. She was the only doctor that diagnosed me properly, told me what ill probably be looking forward to (IVF, and she was RIGHT!) and stuck by me even while I was overseas and she wasn’t even my paid doctor! How amazing right?! I feel like the baby is only safe under her watch, and I’m so scared to leave the comfort of Shady Grove that has made this process so comforting and amazing. It’s my second home, and my other babies second home. Ah, let’s get back to the appointment. Bambino was measuring 7w5d, which is exactly on point. Heartbeat went back up to 152 or 154, can’t remember which one, which gave me so much relief. I was holding my breath going In expectin the worst (typical me). But what I got was this little mini human being, that was just so perfect in so many ways. And bambino wiggled its butt on the screen as we were watching! πŸ™‚

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And here’s to the other news, I had a feeling that my UTI wasn’t fully gone, so I did another test today. They called me back saying that they just received the culture test from the first UTI test and that it showed that the bacteria that I have is one that requires 7 days of antibiotics. Great, would have been lovely to just continue the two more days instead of doing a whole extra week of medication 😦 fine, ill deal. The second bad thing is that I keep having pregnancy brain, I think. In between my progesterone, my estrogen, my iron, my prenatal vitamins, my metaformin and my antibiotics, I have been messing up and taking metaformin twice, when I had originally gone down to once a day. I have been having stomach aches and pains over the past week, and having diarrhea (sorry, TMI!), and then I realized…I’ve been taking metaformin in the morning AND evening! Oh, gosh. This is not good. And as much as I’d like to think that it was fine, my mind started going crazy about whether its hurt the baby or not. Man, I can’t wait to stop all medications (except prenatal) after June 15th. I will be such a happy camper! And my tummy will finally be relieved πŸ™‚ I hope I never take it twice again because I’m struggling now. The miracles that happen. Sigh.
I want to say, that while these last two months and a half have been miraculous for me in the way the stars aligned for me to be pregnant with bambino, I can’t believe it’s over. I can’t thank you all for all the support and love you have given me, it’s been amazing having you by my side, actually…I don’t know what I would do if you all weren’t by my side. I hope this little bambino continues to grow strong and big, and I wish that I can join you all back in the states in November, for birth in January. I pray we all follow the same path of being pregnant together. I truly love you all, thank you. And a big thank you from bambino, too πŸ™‚

UTI

27 May

Thank you all for your comforting messages about the baby’s hb. I hope it’s true, and that that heartbeat will be much faster next time, and finally put me at ease. The other day I found out that I tested positive for a UTI, and while for some people it wouldn’t be that big if a deal, for me I was so sad because this simply means that I’m at higher risk for getting it again, an I don’t know if this is something that can easily be taken care of in kuwait with antibiotics that will not harm the baby. Anyways, my nurse had sent me the prescription and I went to go fill it. I got home, and read on the bottle “do not take if you become pregnant”. I thought hmm…that’s odd. My doctor knows I’m pregnant and wouldn’t prescribe something that would be harmful to the baby, maybe this is just a “talk to your doctor” type of warning. I went to Dr. Google and checked. Some people wrote that their doctor prescribed it for them and said that it was okay. I thought, that’s probably what happened too, and then I read a comment that stuck with me “you should double check, because doctors are humans too, and they can make mistakes”. Could it be? I calls cvs and asked the pharmacist, when 1 minute before I was about to just take the pill I solve myself of this anxiety of what is happening, but I knew that if I was wrong, I would never forgive myself. The pharmacist said, no you shouldn’t take it, call your doctor. I called my nurse once they opened again and told her whats happening, she said that she would double check with my doctor and get back to me. Apparently, for some reason my doctor wrote me the wrong prescription for uti. It was an antibiotic, but like the pharmacist said, should not be used while pregnant. And now if these mistakes happen here, what makes me think they will not happen overseas? While I am finishing up my round of antibiotics, I am getting ready to start packing to head back. I will be leaving the states on the 2nd, and my last ultrasound is on the 31st. I can’t believe I’ve been here for almost 2 1/2 months, but I am tired and missing my husband. He hasn’t experienced any of this, and I just wish now more than anything for him to be a part of this little baby’s life. I hope Friday goes well, I really don’t know what would happen to me if it didn’t. In trying to think positive. My belly is already bulging and nausea is annoying me all the time. The thing is I’m trying to eat healthy, and part of it is eating! I’m losing weight not gaining, and this troubles me. I wish I could go through the normal month to month stages that mothers go through here, but I know that when I go back, I will not have that. I will only get baby is alive or dead, and would you like to know the sex of the baby? I don’t think there are screening tests, and monthly uti tests, and blood tests and 2 week ultrasounds. Will they even sympathize with me that I had IVF and that this causes a lot more anxiety than other pregnant women? Don’t think so. K enough of this rant! Happy Memorial Day everyone!

6 1/2 Week Ultrasound

23 May

Today was my ultrasound, and I can say that it was an interesting/trying day. I couldn’t sleep at all the night before, and kept waking up every few hours from my anxiety and worry about whether my baby will be alive or not. Also, a few days prior my father had a scare with skin cancer (not had, still has, and it has not been ruled out), so I have been even more on edge and feeling out of control. I woke up that morning and headed there with my mom and sister in law, which I can completely say us like the sister I never had, which is amazing. We got there, I asked if I could Skype my husband and they said go ahead. Ofcourse, him and I have been a nervous wreck waiting to see the ultrasound. He went to a cafe next to his work (he had just gotten off) in order to get better Internet for our Skype date. Ofcourse, kuwait Internet failed us. Yay. Doctor came in, observed the scan, and even though that specific machine couldn’t let us hear the heartbeat, we could see it. And I couldn’t believe my eyes, I’m still trying to take it in. My sister in law had recorded the whole thing- incase what happened with my husband would, which it did, and I sent him the video right away. It was one baby, not two, which makes the last scan still questionable. Here is where I was left worried sick: the heartbeat was 109. I looked at the tech and said umm isn’t that low? She said no, it’s fine, we look for anything above 100. But for some reason I couldn’t stomach it, and I knew I just wouldn’t. I will be another nervous wreck until the 31st, and I really just wanted some peace, that I havnt gotten a chance to have. I also did a urine analysis since I’m having uti symptoms, lovely. But on another good note…I have graduated from progesterone shots!! Those damn things hurt like a mother effer and truly left my backside sore. After dropping off 4 full boxes of used needles, please…don’t pass me anymore. But I will tell you one thing, those vaginal inserts are absolutely disgusting. The discharge from them looks the same as a yeast infection. There’s no running away from lovely old progesterone! But still…please pass it on all the way, because its supposedly doing the one thing my body fails at, which is protecting my baby. In the meantime, I will pack, get ready to head back to kuwait while I still sit and google and worry about that 109 heartbeat. Did she count it right? Was it because I could barely eat anything that morning? Was it anything I did to the baby without realizing? Oh my little nugget, mommy prays for you every single second of everyday. Please keep growing, and please let your tiny little heart get stronger and stronger. I’m doing everything I can, and eating everything that I can to have you be a healthy little baby. I love you.

Mini Ultrasound & Coming up Ultrasound

20 May

Ultrasound day is coming up. The dreaded/most looked forward to date by far. I just can’t get myself together for it. I feel like my nerves are falling apart all over the place, if that even makes sense. I don’t know what to do, half the time I want to cry, and half the time I just daydream about the outcome, but I can’t seem to shake the idea of something going terribly wrong. Most of you that have kept up with me know, that my husband is not here for any of this. I will beg my doctor to FaceTime him into seeing our first ultrasound (yet, it wasn’t really, and ill explain further down), yet at the same time I panic about face timing him and then seeing things go terrible wrong. What would I do? I wouldn’t be able to look him in the eye (camera, damn it!!!).
Let me explain why this isn’t my first ultrasound. When I went in for my third beta, I had pain on my right side, like I told you guys before, and so I panicked. I thought that I definitely am having an ectopic pregnancy. I mean, that would explain the early HCG in my system right? Like if My embie was too lazy to make it all the way down or got lost, it would stick right away in my tube, and that is why I got an early BFP! Anyway…my crazy thoughts got to me and I told them what’s happening, and even though they thought that it might just be cysts, they did an ultrasound to double check. I wasn’t ready for it, the big oooh and aaahh wasn’t gonna happen this time, no one was with me and I def wasn’t going to ask them to FaceTime hubs for it. But guess what? We saw the little embie. And then another black circle next to it too. What does it mean? Too early to tell, but the ultrasound technician def didn’t think this was ectopic. Phew! One crazy thought down, 7,000 more to go. What to do now? Not sure. I have 2 weeks left here. I’m suppose to have my “8th” week ultrasound on the 31 (if god forbid nothing happens terribly) an then I will be on my way back to Kuwait on the 1st. No offense to Kuwait, my husband is Kuwaiti, and he knows how apprehensive I am about going there. When I was googling best doctors in Kuwait- a story came up of a couple that was told that they have an ectopic pregnancy that they must abort immediately, and that was by the head of the department, and then when they got a second opinion they found out that it wasn’t true. Tell me I’m suppose to feel semi safe there. The fact that my fertility specialist never did ONE blood test on me to find out that I have too low of estrogen and progesterone to even get to ovulating properly and that is why I got my period before I even got to ovulate. And that was a RE. A specialist. Fuck my life, and please pardon my language. Lovely. Anyways, sadly, I don’t get all the luxuries you guys get here, and I don’t even know if I will be able to give birth here (if this pregnancy continues) which sucks. If there is anything that we do right here- it’s the doctors. They are amazing. I knew that if my insurance didn’t come through for IVF and we did it in Kuwait (which we discussed because its cheaper) I would DEF be in the hospital, no doubt about it. The picture of the ultrasound is below. Thoughts on what this little extra black dot there are welcome πŸ™‚

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Really? Really?!

16 May

Today, I was furious…and for me, I think it was for a very good reason. I come from a small family, a few aunts or uncles on each side of my family. My husbands family on the other side, consists of at least 13 aunts or uncles on each side, and as much as that is so wonderful and amazing, they are all tight knit, and once anyone finds out anything, the rest do too. I admire their relationships, and sometimes envy them for that. My parents side of the family aren’t that close, and have had a lot of problems over the years. When we spoke to my husbands parents and told them about the pregnancy early on, they had been on this journey with us and we couldn’t wait to let them know. My parents, have kept the news hush from anyone and everyone. Only one grandma and cousin know, the rest don’t even know we are going through IVF. My husbands mother is religious, and doesn’t like lying ect…and as much as I respect that, the unfortunate news of our pregnancy has been spilled. Aunts on both ends cornered her to find out why I have been missing for so long(as they suspected pregnancy) and she tried really hard to beat around the bush but apparently it got to a point where she had to lie, and she couldn’t. So she told them. I had a complete hysteric breakdown today yelling and screaming at my husband (which I know didn’t have anything to do with it, but who else was I going to yell at?) at how this moment has been stolen away from me. This is NOT how it was suppose to happen! I did NOT want to share the news with his fertile family members! After being pricked and prodded, anesthetized and having puncture wounds, I deserve the right to have this terrifying news kept between immediate family until we know everything Is ok. I can’t overcome the angry and anxiety I have inside of me because of what has happened. And while I know this all seems horrendous to most of you, unfortunately in Arab culture this is all normal and Typical. People don’t know boundaries, and quite frankly don’t care for them either. We havnt even had our 6 1/2 week ultrasound to make sure our baby is VIABLE to go around announcing this pregnancy! I am horrified, and while I know it wasn’t done on purpose or maliciously, I just can’t help but be so angry inside of me. Don’t we just LOVE being a part of an Arab family!

The in-between

14 May

Ever since I got my BFP, I feel very insensitive to update my blog. I feel like everytime I read a post from an infertile friend- I feel really bad to post anything from my end on how my pregnancy is going. The truth is, I enjoyed watching some of you grow with your pregnancies on this blog, nomatter how much it stung a little bit each time I started reading. But somehow- this all feels different with me. I feel like I would be a complete jerk. But here’s how I feel also- I feel like I’ve been kicked out of the infertiles club, and I want back In. It’s not anything anyone has said or done, but I just feel it, and it hurts. Don’t get me wrong- I’ve died a thousand times to get pregnant, and thankfully I’m there (yet, not there at the same time because who says nothing bad will happen?), but I don’t feel any less sadness, any less anxiety, or any less infertile. I still feel infertile everyday, and I carry those scars with me everywhere I go. I cringe at pregnancies that happen easily, quickly, and effortlessly (you can ask me, I’ve heard 7 pregnancy announcements from my husbands side- ALL within a few months after marriage!). I cry at the concept of a baby, my baby, that I still wish so dearly to hold in my arms. And the truth is, I pray everyday, 50 times a day that I will not walk into my ultrasound appointment 8 days from now with no heartbeat- with no life. I feel kicked out- I feel alone…and I hope you all understand me in the most sincere way possible, because I constantly worry about hurting you all. I don’t know what to do- I just feel like im in a lonely scary in between phase.

Pregnant Infertile Island

14 May

Pregnant Infertile Island.

Betas

9 May

*This is a pregnancy related post. If you are in a bad place please feel free to skip*

My first beta came in on Monday at 577. My second beta came in today at 1,192. So far, the baby looks alive and thriving. I know I’m not out of the woods yet, ofcourse. When I spoke to the nurse today about when it will be possible for me to travel back to my husband, she told me technically speaking that I can travel anytime, but that it’s best to stay until 8 week ultrasound because according to her if I were to have a miscarriage it would be most likely during that time, and that if it was ectopic that they would find out by then too. Thanks for putting that in my head because I hadn’t even thought about ectopic, but it made me run into panic mode because I felt some sharp pains on my right side yesterday. And then she said- if it was ectopic your numbers would rise and then remain steady. Thank you, because that means my numbers today would mean nothing if this baby got stuck in my Fallopian tube. I can’t ease this anxiety I have, and now I completely understand every woman on this blog that has become pregnant. I can’t shake the fact that this is not a normal pregnancy and that I will continue to wonder what is happening with this baby. I will not get to see my husband for another month, and while its for an amazing reason, it’s also so difficult not having him here to help me through this panic mode attack that happens every five seconds. I am still careful, there will be no new category of pregnancy, until i know everything is fine (yeah right, will i ever believe it?). Faith. I keep just reminding myself about faith…and constantly pray that this baby has found it’s home for the next nine months.
I didn’t have sore boobs this whole time- and so I was worried today’s beta would be too low. I know they say every pregnancy is different…but somehow I have this crazy idea that if symptoms aren’t as intense as they say, this baby is in an awful place. Well, tonight the sore boobs kicked in full force…I felt like I got punched in my boobs about 5 times. And the nausea…oh my god. I crave something…and as soon as I put a bite in my mouth I get this awful feeling in my stomach like I am about to throw up. I am a wuss when it comes to throwing up. I’ve thrown up about 5 times in my life and they were torturous for me (mainly because I have acid reflux, so I found out later that it is far more painful for me than others). God please, I don’t want to burn my esophagus. Till today…I’m alive and baby is still inside. Till today I have faith that what is best will happen. Till today I kneel down on my knees and thank God five times a day for the gift he’s giving me. Till today, I pray for you all my friends, my wonderful supportive friends.

Thank you <3

6 May

Words can’t begin to explain how thankful and happy I am for all the love I received from you all yesterday. I really felt very sad that I couldn’t get myself to enjoy this wonderful gift I’ve been given so far- and let me explain further why. My cousin that has PCOS, can get pregnant naturally. She started ovulating normally on metaformin…but she miscarried 3 times and now she has to be on a year break from trying. That automatically made me think that this is something hereditary and that I will probably face just as much heartache, if not even more. And there is a medical reason behind my worries- it’s the dreadful PCOS. But I am doing my best- I’m eating as healthy as I can, staying away from any form of smoke- resting enough and TRYING to be as calm as possible. Sometimes I talk to it and tell it I love it…but I’m still in shock and trying hard not to get too attached and fall to much in love- just in case. I know I shouldn’t do this. You all are right, I should enjoy it for what it is now, and love it to death because I don’t know what tomorrow holds…it might be me holding my baby. I still worry every second, have anxiety about it…but I read all your comments several times to let it hit me…I need to be a little less worried about tomorrow.

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The amount of love I have for you all is indescribable. No one really knows what I’m going through except all of you- and as hard as it is hearing a pregnancy announcement (believe me, been there, done that), the amount of love and support I received from you all was unbelievable. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You all are my rock- and I really pray one day I read a pregnancy announcement from each of you and share happiness with you and your families. From the bottom of my heart…thank you to everyone for your sweet words and messages ❀ may we all have a positive sign soon!

Positive

4 May

I would have loved to have made this post just a happy post. A post with nothing but rainbows and butterflies to describe my emotions….but unfortunately I feel a few rain clouds and lightening overcoming my happiness. I am pregnant. Those three words have not sunk in yet…mostly because I know that it can be stripped away from me any second. I feel like even just writing this will jinx it and I will miscarry right away. I know that rationally…there is no medical reason for me to believe that I would have a miscarriage, but I also have never been pregnant before. Isn’t it sad that we can never enjoy our happiness, we just constantly think about the what-ifs that other normal pregnant women don’t have to even think about. Anyways…I’m not going to sour note every single part of this pregnancy announcement…but I will take it as a grain of salt until I go on Monday to have my beta test. I hope this baby is safe and healthy…that’s all I’m praying for.