The in-between

14 May

Ever since I got my BFP, I feel very insensitive to update my blog. I feel like everytime I read a post from an infertile friend- I feel really bad to post anything from my end on how my pregnancy is going. The truth is, I enjoyed watching some of you grow with your pregnancies on this blog, nomatter how much it stung a little bit each time I started reading. But somehow- this all feels different with me. I feel like I would be a complete jerk. But here’s how I feel also- I feel like I’ve been kicked out of the infertiles club, and I want back In. It’s not anything anyone has said or done, but I just feel it, and it hurts. Don’t get me wrong- I’ve died a thousand times to get pregnant, and thankfully I’m there (yet, not there at the same time because who says nothing bad will happen?), but I don’t feel any less sadness, any less anxiety, or any less infertile. I still feel infertile everyday, and I carry those scars with me everywhere I go. I cringe at pregnancies that happen easily, quickly, and effortlessly (you can ask me, I’ve heard 7 pregnancy announcements from my husbands side- ALL within a few months after marriage!). I cry at the concept of a baby, my baby, that I still wish so dearly to hold in my arms. And the truth is, I pray everyday, 50 times a day that I will not walk into my ultrasound appointment 8 days from now with no heartbeat- with no life. I feel kicked out- I feel alone…and I hope you all understand me in the most sincere way possible, because I constantly worry about hurting you all. I don’t know what to do- I just feel like im in a lonely scary in between phase.

38 Responses to “The in-between”

  1. springchicken2 May 14, 2013 at 6:25 am #

    Sometimes I wish I could private message.. Like right now. I want to apologize if my last post made you feel this way at all. I know I mentioned that a lot of bloggers that I follow have gotten pregnant in the last little bit. But I don’t think I emphasized enough how happy I am for you all! And for some reason I feel especially connected to you, maybe because we are similar ages, with similar diagnoses… But your bfp especially brought so much joy to me! I haven’t had a bfp (yet) but I think that unfortunately, once an infertile, kinda always an infertile…. I think you’re a lifetime member, of a club that no one really wants to be a part of… And even when we go onto mothering a living, breathing child, there is still a connection, a sisterhood that only women who have experienced the grief of infertility can be a part of. So, sorry sister, but you’re not kicked out. I say write away! It’s your blog, your outlet. While sensitivity is always appreciated it’s ok for you to write about where you’re at right now. We’re still with you!

    • bloggerkuwait May 15, 2013 at 3:08 am #

      Thank you so much for your kind words. I’m really happy that i havnt been kicked out, and while its not a club people would like to be a member of, I have grown to be proud to be a member of this club with you amazing ladies. The stuff we go through and deal with…it takes a lot of courage, strength and patience…it’s all things that not a lot of people get to learn from life unfortunately. I’m happy that you still want to hear from us….and I hate saying that because we’re not any different, we’re all still the same. The amount of love and respect is undeniable…and this is the only outlet I’ve found women like me suffering from the same exact situation. I hope you get your BFP without having to reach the point of IVF.

  2. tazdream May 14, 2013 at 9:33 am #

    I am in same boat as u in many ways. Currently 5 1/2 wks and counting down to first scan (yay)! I realised tho there are certain hoops i need to jump thru myself before will feel like i am truly ‘safe’. I have mentally decided to keep my blog going till 12 wk mark then start another. Fellow bloggers can follow if they choose. Its weird cause have teared up with joy for others bfp but felt relatively detached when writing my own. As someone stated somewhere, another’s bfp gives them hope that it is achievable! And yes, i too wish there was private messaging πŸ™‚

    • bloggerkuwait May 15, 2013 at 3:09 am #

      I am so happy for you, and always love hearing happy stories, but you’re right- the amount of hoops make it nearly impossible to enjoy this journey. I hope you find relief and comfort before I do, and get to enjoy your pregnancy. And as for the blog, that is also a really good idea, maybe it’s better sometimes to detach and write a new story based on where you feel is right in your life. Go on sister!

  3. katherinea12 May 14, 2013 at 10:58 am #

    Also wishing for private messaging here…

    Don’t feel guilty. Not for one moment. I am so happy for you and that you are moving towards the goal of having a baby.

    And you are definitely not out of the club, pregnancy and children do not magically cure all the wounds of infertility. There are still plenty of needs infertiles that get pregnant have that are very different than for fertile women.

    As far as blogging, I hope that if you have the time and want to continue blogging that you will. I follow lots of people – some are infertiles with children, some in the trenches waiting on that BFP that sticks, some are pregnant. If I’m not in a space to read something one day, I’ll come back and read it a different day when I am in a space to do so.

    Many hopes for good results at your scan!

    • bloggerkuwait May 15, 2013 at 3:12 am #

      Thank you so much for your encouraging words, they really made me feel so much better. You’re right, nothing will ever heal those wounds as much as we’d love to think getting pregnant or having children will. I did the same thing, whenever I didn’t feel like I could read a pregnancy blog I skipped through and read later. It just feels different when it’s you, and you want to make sure that what you do doesn’t effect the community that you have grown to love and respect so much.

  4. Lauren May 14, 2013 at 11:10 am #

    I love you. This “in-between” is what makes us strong women. We hope. We rejoice. We grieve. We feel jealous, and we get over it. I can’t wait for a strong heartbeat very soon!

    • bloggerkuwait May 15, 2013 at 3:13 am #

      You’re right, I know you’re in your own in-between right now, and it’s tough. I love you too, and can’t wait to have your results in less than a month(right?)…I can barely wait

      • Lauren May 15, 2013 at 3:33 am #

        It is tough, but I’m hoping the time goes quickly. Transfer is in a month, but then I have the two week wait. I don’t think I’m going to test early this time, so we will see πŸ™‚ you will be nearly through your first trimester! That wil be so incredible. You will have to give me all the insider tips on how to get through first trimester πŸ™‚

      • bloggerkuwait May 15, 2013 at 8:04 pm #

        Omg I just had a mini panic attack reading you talk about my first trimester. I’m trying really hard not to even consider this a possibility incase of the worst happening. I don’t think I’m fully accepting of it all. And in a month!! How exciting! Are you ready? You have a little while to wrap your head around it, and I know you’ll be ready when it does. This time, do whatever makes you feel comfortable…whether its test early or not πŸ™‚ hugs! ❀

      • Lauren May 15, 2013 at 8:37 pm #

        I know it might have been a shock to hear the “first trimester” mentioned, but I know that you can do it! This baby will be in your arms πŸ™‚

      • bloggerkuwait May 15, 2013 at 9:12 pm #

        I don’t know honey. With my cousins 3 miscarriages and never hearing a heartbeat- I have my doubts and concerns about whether this baby will survive or not. I just keep trying to have faith that what is best will happen. But how traumatizing would that be, that after all this, the baby doesn’t survive.

      • bloggerkuwait May 16, 2013 at 8:42 pm #

        I hope so, for both of us dear friend ❀

  5. redbluebird May 14, 2013 at 11:18 am #

    This is a horrible time for you to feel alone, so I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way! I know I’d feel guilty too, but really, we need to see other “infertile bloggers” have happy endings to keep our hope alive. You have graduated to another level, and I hope you never have to go back. I know how scary early pregnancy can be, and I’ll be here cheering you along. Try following some others who are in their early weeks too– might help you feel even more support. xo

    • bloggerkuwait May 15, 2013 at 3:15 am #

      You’re so sweet, and I so appreciate your thoughts and kind words! It did give me hope too, but I guess when the tables turn you’re not sure what to do. I think I have more than enough love and support from my current bloggers, just realized I don’t need anymore πŸ™‚

  6. newtoivf May 14, 2013 at 11:19 am #

    When I read FB announcements and updates of pregnancy it kicks me in the ovaries and stabs me in the heart. When I read pregnancy announcements and updates on twitter/blogs it makes me geniunely happy and hopeful because you lot ARE JUST LIKE ME! We all have our difference reasons for IF but we are all the same and, unfortunately all in this club for life, regardless of how many kids we do/don’t have.
    Blogging is for YOU and not for anyone else, and whilst it is so sweet of you to feel bad about pg blogging you deserve to be able to let it out and receive the support you’ve been used to. If people find it too hard, then they may ‘unfollow’ you, and you will understand why and shouldn’t feel bad about that because you have been there too and know that sometimes its just too hard. but you should celebrate your preganancy and write about your fears if you need to xx

    • bustedoven May 14, 2013 at 9:12 pm #

      Yup yup, exactly what she said!

      Also, I felt just like this when I got pregnant (briefly).

    • bloggerkuwait May 15, 2013 at 3:17 am #

      It did kick me in the gut too, correction: still kicks me in the guts (and ovaries) every damn time, but you’re right…it made me feel good when I heard of a BFP on here! We’re all in this journey to cheer eachother on whether before or after a BFP. I can’t wait to see you get your BFP, and have everyone else cheer and share the love for you. Thank you for your support xo

  7. Eggs&Hope May 14, 2013 at 11:41 am #

    Your BFP gives me hope. Imagine if all these blogs I was following, that none of them ever fell pregnant? How depressing would that be? Hearing that it’s worked for you and so many others, keeps me going. We will probably start IVF in July and I really hope that I too will be joining you with a BFP! Please carry on blogging, it’s such a big help hearing everyone’s thoughts and feelings, whether they are positive or negative, it’s like therapy to me, knowing that I’m not alone in this! X

    • bloggerkuwait May 15, 2013 at 3:19 am #

      You’re words really meant a lot to me. You’re right, that would be so darn depressing! Are you excited to start? I’m sure nervous too. But I am so excited for you, and I hope this journey will take you towards a BFP from the very first time! When I started IVF I would go through people’s past blogs to see what they went through, it would help me too, but I just wasn’t sure anyone wanted to hear me after a BFP. But thank you for lettin me know otherwise πŸ™‚ so much baby dust to you for July!

  8. ambivalentjourney May 14, 2013 at 11:47 am #

    I am with some of the others… every BFP I see from this blogging world gives me hope that I all too often lose. I am happy for each of these wonderful ladies who even get to see those two pink lines and you are no exception. Know that I am thinking of you and also praying that when you get your ultrasound you see a beautiful little heartbeat. XOXO

    • bloggerkuwait May 15, 2013 at 3:21 am #

      You are SO sweet, and it made me light up when you talked about the ultrasound. I pray so, as well, I really do! I wish for you, that soon enough you will join the BFP world, you are just so kind! Xo

  9. maternalmind May 14, 2013 at 2:42 pm #

    I am in the same place as you. I feel a scared and alone. I don’t have the support of family and friends yet – you all are the ones I have looked to for comfort for so long, and I don’t know who it is appropriate to reach out to now that I am pregnant (only 4 weeks…). I hate to hear you say that you feel lonely. But, I feel it to. And it reminds me that we all need to stick with one another. I am infertile. Always will be. So will the rest of our community. We need to support those who succeed as much as to continue to support those who fail even once we have succeeded. I think the kind messages above show you that you still have many women who care about you. And I am one more.

    On a pregnancy note, I am terrified as well and anxiously awaiting the first sound of a heartbeat. I feel your pain and I want you to know that you can reach out to me whenever you need. We need all the support we can get right now.

    • bloggerkuwait May 15, 2013 at 3:24 am #

      You are just amazing. It’s so nice to hear from a blogger going through the same exact thing. A big congrats…and as anxiously as we wait to hear a heartbeat or better news in the near future…you’re right, we constantly need eachother support. I wang you to know that I am always here as well, and I wish they had private messaging like the other ladies said! This is such a difficult and scary time to be in, bit really sure if you’re category will go back to being an infertile with a miscarriage, or that you will be a part of the group that continues on. People kept telling me it’s better to think positive, and it’s what I try to do (most of the time) an I hope you receive a little bit of peace and comfort in that xo

  10. Carol Ann Larade May 14, 2013 at 4:30 pm #

    I’m not trying to conceive but I know I will be trying eventually. Reading about your pregnancy and your struggles gives me hope that I will be able to have success with it as well. Don’t stop sharing your progress..You deserve to feel the happiness, though, I understand why you don’t want to get ahead of yourself.

    Hang in there. πŸ™‚

    • bloggerkuwait May 15, 2013 at 3:25 am #

      You’re so sweet, and I’m really happy to see you following my journey! I’m happy that I give hope even to some women who aren’t trying yet. I hope that you never have to struggle with infertility honey xo

  11. Fertility Doll May 14, 2013 at 9:22 pm #

    I have great faith that your pregnancy is going to be healthy inshaAllah. We all know and recognise how hard the transition phase is, don’t stop blogging and try not to feel that people here have turned away.

    We haven’t πŸ™‚

    • bloggerkuwait May 15, 2013 at 3:26 am #

      Habeebti…thank you. You always know the right words to say. I really look upto you in your wisdom and knowledge (I really do), because you know just the right things to say. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart ❀

      • Fertility Doll May 15, 2013 at 3:32 pm #

        I think you’re far wiser than me! I learn a lot more from you. ❀

  12. babymakingadventures May 15, 2013 at 4:10 am #

    You should not feel guilty!!! We are all working towards the same goal in the end and these things are a form of support for one another. It’s normal for us to bitch about our situations when TTC and this is a forum for that! On our site we bitch away but hopefully in a comedic forum because at the end of the day – when one of us is pregnant we will be thrilled for one another, and we feel the same for other’s who blog and tell us their stories. But I know when it happens for me I will be the happiest person in the world. And if anyone knows how to be sensitive to someone else’s pain in infertility it will be YOU! It’s important we use what we’ve learned right? I hope I never forget, because I will be so happy when it happens for me and will pray and hope for those that are working towards it. Be joyous!

    • bloggerkuwait May 15, 2013 at 8:05 pm #

      You’re right! But I feel the same way as you! I wish that I wouldn’t forget how to be sensitive. But we must enjoy joy together and grieve together…this support group is just phenomenal! Thank you so much for your message!

  13. theunexpectedtrip May 15, 2013 at 9:23 pm #

    Wow—this post inspired so many to write! I keep thinking about how people who are outside of this community would most likely be perplexed by this “in-between” you write of. They’d be like “What? Haven’t you gotten what you wanted?” But getting pregnant alters your sense of belongingness…for so long you’ve been part of this community, and now your status inside it is changing…

    I’m so glad you brought this up. Know that I (along with the above army of women) am still following you and supporting you and feeling happy for you, and feeling inspired by your story.

    I’ve noticed that when a blogger moves on to pregnancy, I might not comment on her posts as often—but it’s not because I feel jealousy or offense. It’s a simple matter of not being at that stage yet and not having as much in common or much to add to the conversation.

    But what’s awesome is that it does not have the same effect as discovering a pregnancy announcement on FB or wherever.

    It’s different, inside this community.

    Your success is our success.

    I have to admit that I am a little nervous about the day when I know I am solidly pregnant, and when I will have to decide what I will do with my beloved blog, for my absolutely LOVED readership. I can’t imagine ending that blog and starting another. I can’t imagine ever ending The Unexpected Trip. I treasure it and the women who read me and “hold” me out there.

    At the same time, I might want to start a blog that I can share with my family and with a wider community of friends—and DH and I are thinking that we don’t want to tell people about the biological origins (donor eggs) of our kids until the kids themselves are old enough to know and comprehend their biological origins. So if I want to blog and share with my family, I won’t be able to mention DE in those blog posts, and that will be weird.

    So will I have two blogs? The Unexpected Trip, where I can stay connected to my original supportive community, and where I can talk about DE, and also Some Other Future Blog, where I can blog about parenthood sans DE? Will I post the same thing on both blogs sometimes? So confusing! I haven’t even signed the consents, chosen a donor, or gathered all the funds, and *already* I am thinking about this.(: Pretty funny. But just goes to show how important this community is.

    And how very much I am understanding and empathizing with your “in-between.”

    • bloggerkuwait May 16, 2013 at 9:08 pm #

      Thank you for much for your Message! i am so proud To have amazing followers and supporters like you in my life! You’re right about the commenting, that is totally understandable, what are you going to relate to? The two blog controversy- I’m not sure that I would be able to give this up either. This community is for life, and honestly, I don’t want different followers and readers, because I am also so invested in you all! I will be waiting until the day I hear a pregnancy from each and every one of you while I cheer you on in your lives!
      I know you’re in a different situation with donor eggs, but Hun, I am so praying and wishing that this will finally give you the baby you deserve, and for you to become the momma that you were meant to be! I’m so proud of you in every step you’ve taken, it’s very courageous and inspiring. Goodluck, form the bottom of my heart! Xoxo

  14. A Morning Grouch May 15, 2013 at 11:30 pm #

    Cherish it. Embrace it. Enjoy it. Blog about it. It’s your journey. We’re excited for you!

  15. satoyafoster May 16, 2013 at 3:25 pm #

    You aren’t insensitive for updating. I look forward to it. I wish for nothing more than for you to have a healthy and a successful pregnancy! I firmly believe in being able to rejoice with others even if I am having a difficult time myself. You are an inspiration and a wonderful example of strength and determination. Hug and kisses to you!!!

    • bloggerkuwait May 16, 2013 at 8:44 pm #

      That is an amazing message, I love your outlook on it all! Thank you so much, and hope so dearly the same for every women battling PCOS or any other form of infertility! Xoxo!!

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