Archive | September, 2013

23 weeks!!

18 Sep

I know. I have been MIA for a while. Not sure if any of you even realized lol. I have not commented or liked any posts, nor have I responded to some of your comments. I have a good reason I promise. First, my WordPress app on my iPhone went haywire…and it wouldn’t allow me to load any of your new posts, even though I have been tryin to log in from elsewhere to keep up with you all. Finally today, I got the new WordPress update and that fixed my problem right away!
What’s been happening? I’m at 23 weeks! Whaaaa??? Where did the time go?
Even though I feel like it’s still moving as slow as a turtle. I want to see my beautiful angel, I want to hold her and see what she looks like.
Let me begin by saying— all you US and UK mothers, kiss the ground that you are on because I realize being here in Kuwait- not everything I want ships here. Actually, basically nothing does. I want organic shampoo, lotion and oil for her, I want true organic baby formula for her incase my milk stops or doesn’t come through. I want the cutest clothes. I want the practical day to day things. And those clothes and day to day things are def here- but you pay the same price as the states when they have MUCH cuter things there! It makes me so mad to pay the same price and get something not that cute at all. How can I ship my baby bee organic stuff? How can I ship my organic formula from Europe? They don’t ship!!! Anyways…be thankful ladies. Be thankful. Everything is so much easier where you are.
Off my rant, within these few weeks I have done my anatomy scan and my glucose test. Did I tell you guys? I don’t even remember. Anatomy scan went good (thank God) and she is safe and sound according to the ultrasound technician. As for the glucose test- it was unbelievably disgusting. And to tell you the truth I was a bit worried about my results because I have PCOS. And I’m not sure if they are 100% correlated, but what I know is that PCOS is due to your insulin and that is due to the way your body breaks down sugar. So I did it. Nearly fainted and threw up 7 times. But it was a two hour test. Go in fasting, drink the glucose and come back after two hours to get your blood drawn again. I was 4.5 before the glucose, and 6.0 after. Not sure what that means because when I looked it up the states uses different numbers than here. Anyways, my doctor said I passed. It’s been 3 weeks since my last appointment, it’s the longest I’ve gone without seeing my doctor, but with her kicking its made it so much easier on me to not be as worried. I only worry if I don’t feel her move as much, my heart literally starts racing and I almost have a heart attack.

She has grown SO much over the course of the last few weeks. I can feel it now not just by my tummy size, but by her kicks. Her kicks now are getting harder and bigger, and that just makes me a proud mommy. I have now decided to tell the rest of my friends that I am pregnant. Yes, I have managed to keep it a secret this whole time. Only family and a FEW friends that have been sworn to secrecy know. I am still terrified. I was even more terrified before. All my friends that I told laugh at me and tell me how are you holding on that long to tell everyone? And it’s simple, I am terrified that if I let the world know and something horrible happens, ill either blame myself for telling everyone or I will live with the regret that now I must share that news as well. I don’t want that. I don’t want anyone giving my baby the evil eye (yes we believe in that) and mostly, honestly, I’ve been scarred by my struggle. At 24 I am pregnant yes, to some this may seem so young, and maybe a little irresponsible or stupid to get pregnant this early, but they have absolutely no idea what this baby means to me, to us. They have no idea that even though we went through a year of infertility, it was the worst year of my life. That it was the most trying time for me, mentally, physically, and emotionally. Just to explain, my emotions were SO much more out of wack before IVF than it was while going through IVF. And while women worry about being an emotional wreck through IVF, my hormones were the most “stable” they ever had been or will be. This so called stability, that explains the deep depression, hurt and anger that I was feeling for all of these 11 months. In the end, they don’t know that we did IVF, and I don’t plan on sharing with the world. I struggle to share something so unbelievably precious, that it may be deemed as insignificant or irresponsible to the rest of the world. This is my miracle, our miracle. And I hold her so precious and deep to my heart that I don’t think the rest of the world deserved to know. Except you guys ofcourse ‚̧. I don’t know if I explained this correctly, but the point is I’ve struggled with it up until now. My lovely, beautiful and miraculous little secret that is the best kept secret out there. I have decided to share the news next week with my husbands birthday. I will be way into my 6 months, and it’s about time I share. I wouldn’t like to share once I have given birth haha.
The nursery is still under construction. It is a beautiful ivory, pink and white mix that I am just so in love with. Still need to buy a rug, curtains, paint the walls, buy the mattress and add some more decor. Month by month we are slowly buying the rest of her things since you all know how expensive they all can get. And god bless them here, if you want something nice, your only option is pottery barn. And yes, they are slightly more expensive than other places but what can I do?! Again, thank your lucky stars ladies!! For now I will leave you all with a bump pic and a few nursery pics. Enjoy!20130919-011907.jpg




Let me tell you something

1 Sep

This post isn’t about pregnancy. This post is about my anger, hurt & frustration that I’ve had for over 6 months now. This pain is all caused by someone I used to call my best friend. MY best friend! She has become a stranger, someone that I don’t know nor do I speak to anymore. And this pain keeps me up a lot at night. There have been months that have gone by when I’ve forgotten completely about her, and then something so small will remind me of this friend I used to have, and my world starts crashing down. I become depressed, sad & nothing cheers me up. I then become angry at the situation, consider sending her something and then I hold myself back. I hold myself back because I started this no talking thing, and I will not run after her, I don’t do that. I wrote about this issue months ago when it happened. I told you guys briefly what happened. She knew I was going through infertility, she knew that I was suffering. She knew that I felt alone all the way in Kuwait since I just moved there, and she knew I was getting intense treatment. Yet she decided to act as if she didn’t care about me and not ask about how I’m doing, over a stupid tiny disagreement. And when I approached her about it after I came back to Kuwait, unbelievably hurt over her not talking to me or even saying bye to me, she made it a big deal. A misunderstanding I explained to her, that I would never accuse her of anything, that she misunderstood what I said. I apologized. Things never went back to normal. Things were weird. A few msgs here and there, but mainly ignoring eachother. Then I arrived again in march to do IVF and I received a very generic msg from her, that “we should hang out”. That was it. That was the last straw for me. If you can’t be my REAL friend, then I can’t have you be my friend at all! Why am I gonna sit and stare at your constant fb updates and Instagram photos when the thought of you aches my heart. What you have done to me as my best friend, not being there for me at all during this time that I find was most defining and trying of my life. How can I forgive you?! So I deleted her off of everything. I spend another two months and a half in the states and never saw her nor heard from her again. I am now 21 weeks into my pregnancy, and she has no idea that I’m pregnant. She has become a distant stranger, someone that I do not know nor recognize, yet I continue to grieve over this loss of a friendship that I held so close to my heart. I truly loved her as a sister. It’s really sad. And on the verge of tears now, it’s time to end this post.