Archive | January, 2014

Faye’s Birth Story

16 Jan

It all started when I went for my 38 week check up with my mother, which was on Sunday the 29th of December. The doctor told me that my cervix was about 1 dilated, and due to her being an ivf baby they would prefer having her around 38-39 weeks. She said that she would be happy to induce me that same day, unless I wanted to wait longer, which had to be one week, then we could induce. I had to either give birth that day or a week after because of New Years, and the fact that the hospital would be packed and the insurance wouldn’t pay for her birth at all. After discussing it a bit further, I decided to induce that night simply because I wanted my mom to be there as long as possible in the beginning to help me. Off to the house we went to grab my bag and head to the hospital. We were so sxcited, yet nervous! We got there around 10:30pm, and my mother in law and husbands aunt met us at the hospital. With my mother by my side, I was ready to get things rolling. My husband was to come after a few hours to check in on how I was doing. They put the first medicine in to ripen up my cervix even more, and help dilate me to 3cm in order to start pitocin. The first few hours went by, and the contractions began. I was adamant about keeping it as natural as possible. I knew that I was inducing, but that was as far as medical intervention as I had wanted for her birth. As the contractions got longer and closer together, his aunt kept telling me to use the gas mask, but I refused until I couldn’t handle the pain anymore, and until then I was holding on strong. I wanted to feel every pain, every single thing my body needed to do to bring this miracle into the world. After IVF, pain wasn’t something I was afraid of. The first medication didn’t work, 3 hours later they put the second one. The second one didn’t work, 4 hours later they put the third one. Then they stopped to see what would happen. The contractions kept coming, and were way past the level needed to push, yet my cervix was stuck at 1cm. Not even a drop of blood. Nothing had changed. At that point I refused the epidural and was using only the gas mask. I was passing out from the pain and had a complete out of body experience from the gas mask. When I would gain consciousness I would see a few seconds of what is happening around me and then I would pass out again. After 12 hours of excruciating contractions and no changes, I was crying in between when I would wake up, and beg for my husband which was stuck in traffic on the way to the hospital because he had to pick up my grandmother, brother and father. I could barely utter a word from the pain, and a few times I would wake up and see others around me crying. Things were getting so tough, and my family had to make the decision for me to do a c section. I remember crying saying no, that I wanted to wait longer, but my doctor told me that it’s almost 1pm the next day, and they had been leaving me for far too long now. For the safety of the baby and I, we had to do it now. They waited until my husband arrived, and then took me in to prep for the c section. They wouldn’t let my husband in, and we opted for general anesthesia. After being completely exhausted from the labor pains, yet no movement, I couldn’t bare being in the operating room alone. I also was afraid that they would do an epidural wrong on me. I will tell you, I honestly thought I was dying. I had never experienced so much pain to the point that it kept making me pass out, and the out of body experience was so traumatizing, it felt like my soul was leaving my body. At that point I wasn’t thinking about having her, I was thinking about how I’m leaving my husband and my child. That was the only thing that kept making me cry for him, I didn’t want it to happen without him there. It seems crazy that labor could do this to someone, and as I’m writing it I’m wondering if anyone will even believe that this is true, but to be quite honest with you, I know it was bad when everyone around me experienced the same trauma as I did, and that it wasn’t just all in my head and body. I remember when they wheeled me into the OR, in between passing out, I saw my husband holding my hand and crying. This was so tough, and thinking of it now bring tears to my eyes.
I woke up 2 hours later, in my room with my family around me. My daughter had already been washed and cleaned, and everyone got to meet her. That day, I was in and out of consciousness as well. I don’t remember half of it.
As much as I thank God everyday for her safe delivery, I feel so utterly guilty about it. Guilty enough to cry because of it, guilty enough to feel like I failed my first step into motherhood. Was it the right choice to induce right then? If we hadn’t induced then, would I have needed to induce later anyways? She was brought into the world, in the arms of strangers, not onto the chest of her mother. She drank formula for the first day, instead of colostrum from my breasts. She had no idea where I was, and I left her because I didn’t even comprehend that I had had her, from all of the pain medications I was given. Almost two and a half weeks later, I am so glad looking back, that it is all over. The trauma will live in me forever, and now it makes me terrified about having another child. I try not to think too far into the future, and thank God for her safe welcome into this world. Yet this guilt, will live in me forever.

My Life

6 Jan

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She’s arrived! Faye came into this world on December 30th, at 1:45pm. After a failed induction, and an emergency c-section, she entered this world safe and sound. It’s been crazy busy and hectic with my family arriving, and her joining us, so I will write more about her birth later. In the mean time, I wanted to wish you all a happy new year, and may this year be the lucky year for all of you my dear friends xoxo