Faye’s Birth Story

16 Jan

It all started when I went for my 38 week check up with my mother, which was on Sunday the 29th of December. The doctor told me that my cervix was about 1 dilated, and due to her being an ivf baby they would prefer having her around 38-39 weeks. She said that she would be happy to induce me that same day, unless I wanted to wait longer, which had to be one week, then we could induce. I had to either give birth that day or a week after because of New Years, and the fact that the hospital would be packed and the insurance wouldn’t pay for her birth at all. After discussing it a bit further, I decided to induce that night simply because I wanted my mom to be there as long as possible in the beginning to help me. Off to the house we went to grab my bag and head to the hospital. We were so sxcited, yet nervous! We got there around 10:30pm, and my mother in law and husbands aunt met us at the hospital. With my mother by my side, I was ready to get things rolling. My husband was to come after a few hours to check in on how I was doing. They put the first medicine in to ripen up my cervix even more, and help dilate me to 3cm in order to start pitocin. The first few hours went by, and the contractions began. I was adamant about keeping it as natural as possible. I knew that I was inducing, but that was as far as medical intervention as I had wanted for her birth. As the contractions got longer and closer together, his aunt kept telling me to use the gas mask, but I refused until I couldn’t handle the pain anymore, and until then I was holding on strong. I wanted to feel every pain, every single thing my body needed to do to bring this miracle into the world. After IVF, pain wasn’t something I was afraid of. The first medication didn’t work, 3 hours later they put the second one. The second one didn’t work, 4 hours later they put the third one. Then they stopped to see what would happen. The contractions kept coming, and were way past the level needed to push, yet my cervix was stuck at 1cm. Not even a drop of blood. Nothing had changed. At that point I refused the epidural and was using only the gas mask. I was passing out from the pain and had a complete out of body experience from the gas mask. When I would gain consciousness I would see a few seconds of what is happening around me and then I would pass out again. After 12 hours of excruciating contractions and no changes, I was crying in between when I would wake up, and beg for my husband which was stuck in traffic on the way to the hospital because he had to pick up my grandmother, brother and father. I could barely utter a word from the pain, and a few times I would wake up and see others around me crying. Things were getting so tough, and my family had to make the decision for me to do a c section. I remember crying saying no, that I wanted to wait longer, but my doctor told me that it’s almost 1pm the next day, and they had been leaving me for far too long now. For the safety of the baby and I, we had to do it now. They waited until my husband arrived, and then took me in to prep for the c section. They wouldn’t let my husband in, and we opted for general anesthesia. After being completely exhausted from the labor pains, yet no movement, I couldn’t bare being in the operating room alone. I also was afraid that they would do an epidural wrong on me. I will tell you, I honestly thought I was dying. I had never experienced so much pain to the point that it kept making me pass out, and the out of body experience was so traumatizing, it felt like my soul was leaving my body. At that point I wasn’t thinking about having her, I was thinking about how I’m leaving my husband and my child. That was the only thing that kept making me cry for him, I didn’t want it to happen without him there. It seems crazy that labor could do this to someone, and as I’m writing it I’m wondering if anyone will even believe that this is true, but to be quite honest with you, I know it was bad when everyone around me experienced the same trauma as I did, and that it wasn’t just all in my head and body. I remember when they wheeled me into the OR, in between passing out, I saw my husband holding my hand and crying. This was so tough, and thinking of it now bring tears to my eyes.
I woke up 2 hours later, in my room with my family around me. My daughter had already been washed and cleaned, and everyone got to meet her. That day, I was in and out of consciousness as well. I don’t remember half of it.
As much as I thank God everyday for her safe delivery, I feel so utterly guilty about it. Guilty enough to cry because of it, guilty enough to feel like I failed my first step into motherhood. Was it the right choice to induce right then? If we hadn’t induced then, would I have needed to induce later anyways? She was brought into the world, in the arms of strangers, not onto the chest of her mother. She drank formula for the first day, instead of colostrum from my breasts. She had no idea where I was, and I left her because I didn’t even comprehend that I had had her, from all of the pain medications I was given. Almost two and a half weeks later, I am so glad looking back, that it is all over. The trauma will live in me forever, and now it makes me terrified about having another child. I try not to think too far into the future, and thank God for her safe welcome into this world. Yet this guilt, will live in me forever.

8 Responses to “Faye’s Birth Story”

  1. journeyformybaby January 16, 2014 at 7:49 pm #

    Sigh. I feel a little of your pain. We had an urgent csec from baby being in distress. I never was in labor. But being so out of it that I remember very little from his first day really eats at me. I don’t remember nearly as much as I would like to. We just have to remind ourselves that the important thing is, they made it here safely. And even after the trauma of IF and IVF, wanting to relish every little bit of pregnancy, labor and delivery, the thing to remember is that we didn’t ever think we would get this. So its a small sacrifice in the grand scheme of things to “miss” the birth. At least that’s what I tell myself ….

  2. Steph Mignon January 16, 2014 at 7:51 pm #

    Oh dear, be gentle and kind to yourself! You just safely grew and delivered a baby! Regardless of how she came into the world – you’re alive and so is she. Thank God! It definitely sounds like a crazy experience, terrifying and painful, and I’m sorry you had to experience it that way, but try not to feel guilty. You did the best you could! Congrats on the birth of your daughter!

  3. redbluebird January 17, 2014 at 2:58 pm #

    I’m sorry things went so differently than you had hoped. Try not to blame yourself for any of it though– you did the best you could, AND did what was best for your baby. You are both safe and healthy. That’s what really matters. I can imagine how disappointing it is to have her birth story go so differently than you wanted. Try not to let the sadness about that stick with you, and just focus on what a beautiful daughter you have in your life now!

  4. theunexpectedtrip January 17, 2014 at 3:25 pm #

    Oh my goodness, I cannot believe what you went through—that is one of the most surreal and vivid descriptions of the experience I’ve read, and your pain and confusion comes searingly through. I’m so sorry for the overwhelming trauma of it all. I wonder if seeing a counselor or some other supportive professional to talk about the experience might help you to process your guilt? No reason to feel guilty, but I know that that doesn’t take the guilt-feeling away. From this perspective, you were absolutely heroic, and your daughter is lucky to have such a warrior for a mama.

  5. Stephanie January 17, 2014 at 3:41 pm #

    I’m so sorry to hear you had such a traumatic experience. Your daughter has an amazing woman as her mother and I know that she will know that one day–in fact, she probably does now.

  6. Lauren January 17, 2014 at 4:17 pm #

    Oh friend! I am so so sorry! I’m so glad Faye is beautiful and healthy, but I regret the trauma that you went through! Think about all the things we have been through…we are tough women. Grieve and cry, but don’t feel guilty. It’s not your fault. Faye won’t remember who held her first or what she first drank. What she will remember is how badly you have always wanted her. Nest and rest.

  7. maternalstateofmind January 18, 2014 at 10:17 pm #

    Oh my, what a terribly traumatic experience. I am so sorry you had to go through it and while I understand the natural feelings of motherly guilt, you gave sweet Faye life and you are giving her your love every single day. That first night matters very little.

    I, too, had a very difficult birth and was out of it for quite a while after. It breaks my heart looking back at pictures my husband took of Toby’s first few hours of life – memories with which I will never have. But, we need to let those sorrows go and rejoice in the fact that we have to healthy babies that we love so deeply.

  8. bustedoven January 21, 2014 at 3:37 pm #

    Oh, I wish I could give you a big hug! That sounds really terrifying, and I’m so sorry you had to go through it. Sending lots of love to you and baby.

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