Motherhood

9 Feb

Where to begin. It’s been a lot to take in. Let’s start with saying that luckily, I know I’ve had a pretty easy baby. I’ve had a lot of help, and quite honestly I don’t know where I would be without it. The only thing that’s been really difficult are my roller coaster hormones and emotions. I’m sad to admit, I’ve had depression while I was pregnant. I don’t know what it is, being away from my family, from my long time home, from my friends, the hormones…I’m not really sure. My hormones have been the devil inside of me quite honestly. Ever since I’ve gotten off of birth control, it’s just never ever been the same. I reminisce about the days where I was happy with my life, my body didn’t have all these crazy changes, and life was pretty much normal. Even after pregnancy, I don’t know why it’s also been off. Now here I am again, postpartum, and I’m getting my period after one and a half months. And I was bleeding for about a month after delivery. I had maybe a few days free of bleeding since I’ve delivered. The hormones. They are at it again. I am slightly depressed, some days I’m ok and some days I’m just so sensitive about everything and I can’t hold back the tears. It’s been so unbelievably difficult because I feel like I’m in this deep dark hole that I’m not really sure when I’ll get out of it. It’s been almost 2 years now of this, and I’m just tired. I’m tired and frustrated because I’m not enjoying motherhood as much as I should. I want more, I want all I’ve ever dreamed and wished for to be enjoyed. It’s not fair for her or for me. A few of you have mentioned a progesterone only pill that helps. I just wonder if they have it here. I wonder if it will effect my breast milk, and I wonder if I have the heart to start taking it. Some days I feel like I need help, and some days I feel scared and say no I can do this on my own. Yesterday I started reading about vaccines becaus we are fast approaching that 2 month vaccine time, and I started crying. I grabbed her and held her so tightly. Will my decision on your vaccinations affect your life forever or not? Should I not overthink it and just go with the flow and pray every single day that you continue to grow and thrive and communicate well. Or should I fight it, and read more? The problem is we travel overseas, will I forgive myself if she contracts something deadly and again gets effected for the rest of her life? What to do? I just kept crying. I couldn’t sleep, and I’m still so scared till now and forever will be. 1 in 4 I think now is diagnosed with autism. My heart aches for these decisions, and the fear of hurting her without realizing. New moms, can you please tell me what you have done? What are your personal opinions on this?

11 Responses to “Motherhood”

  1. Steph Mignon February 9, 2014 at 6:05 pm #

    Oh my dear I am sorry you are struggling. I’ve had some pretty bad depression during pregnancy myself. I found that taking a wild sourced fish oil and getting out in the sunshine for a walk daily helps, but other than that I’ve also considered medication. I’m not sure how it will be when the baby is born! Yikes! As for immunizations, a girlfriend of mine is going through the same thing. She’s researching each one and making decisions based on the likelihood that her child will contract the thing she’s vaccinating him for. I’ll probably do the same. I’m not expert, but I’m convinced that the rise in autism is related to our food supply and the influx of soy in the diet (it’s in everything!). Anyway, good luck and hang in there.

    • bloggerkuwait March 6, 2014 at 9:58 am #

      Thank you for your tips! I’ve definitely been looking into the fish oil, and sun can definitely do a body good!

      • Steph Mignon March 6, 2014 at 7:00 pm #

        I’m not sure if they’ll do anything, but having struggled with depression during this pregnancy I think they do help a little!

  2. Stephanie February 9, 2014 at 7:35 pm #

    Sorry to hear this has been a challenging time. I suppose the only thing I can offer is that what you are going through is very, very, very normal. Everyone expects mothers to be completely back to “normal” after the baby comes and it’s just not possible. It’s such a dramatic life shift, how could things ever go back to “normal”?? Medication is a very reliable, safe way to start feeling like yourself again, if you feel like that is what is necessary and other methods don’t help. My doctor explained it to me like this: ups and downs are normal. The roller coaster is normal. But if you start having way more downs than ups, it might be time to get help. When I finally explained to my husband that I felt like I was barely holding my head above water, we both realized that it was time to get help and I am feeling a lot better. Medication is safe for breastfeeding and so is that progesterone-only birth control pill I mentioned before. As for vaccinations, we are pro-vaccination. I think the number of children who have something happen to them after vaccinations is grossly over-exaggerated and the benefit from immunizing your child far outweighs the risks of the shots themselves. My opinion of course, and it’s important to do your own research and speak with your doctor about your concerns. For what it’s worth, I have never known anyone who had reaction to a vaccination, but I have known people who have contracted preventable diseases like the measles and whooping cough. Again, just my opinion on the matter.

    • bloggerkuwait March 6, 2014 at 10:03 am #

      Good points. Thanks for your opinion Hun, I’ve definitely taken it into consideration. Have you vaccinated already?

  3. maternalstateofmind February 10, 2014 at 12:41 am #

    Im so sorry you’re feeling such pain. It is difficult to battle depression when you’re on your own, but it’s just that much harder when you’re trying to be strong for another human being. Don’t be ashamed to reach out for help, no matter if that is finding someone to talk to or taking medication. You’ll feel so much better and will wonder why you waited so long. As for all the worries about vaccinations – I am with Stephanie (commenter above). There is significantly more research pointing to the effects of preventable diseases on children not vaccinated. But, that’s not to say that there aren’t risks to everything, so you should do the research that makes you feel comfortable. Also know, however, that your anxiety and depression right now are certainly making you neurose about Faye’s health even more than you otherwise would be (not that we’ll ever stop worrying about our babies!). I go through bouts of pretty extreme anxiety and I my worries are always exaggerated at that time.
    Hang in there friend. I wish I were close by so that I could be there to support you. This mommyhood thing is just so very very tough.

    • bloggerkuwait March 6, 2014 at 10:01 am #

      You’re right. Thank you for your encouraging words. Decided to vaccinate, so we’ll see how it goes. And mental health wise, you’re right, it’s really important to take care of myself. We can definitely support each other through this blog and email, I wish we were close in the area to eachother

  4. journeyformybaby February 10, 2014 at 5:44 am #

    We aren’t vaccinating. At least not for now. Its an extremely hard and very personal decision. I try not to think about it and just trust God. I wasn’t vaccinated as a child. Just the first couple shots. As for the rest of the post, I could have written it. Why does depression have to put a damper on this very happy time? I hope we can both put these dark moods behind us and enjoy our babies. And as far as the bleeding goes, my baby is 18 weeks and I’ve only had a few weeks without bleeding since his birth. Sucks!!! Thank you hormones! I tried the provera (i think that might b the progesterone only pill?) It didn’t really work for me but it also didn’t hurt my milk supply so maybe it would work for you?

    • bloggerkuwait March 6, 2014 at 9:55 am #

      That is a very tough decision to make! Yes the depression has been so difficult, and I pray that it gets better soon (it has now for me!). The hormones are still all over the place, and my doctor recommended that I don’t take any synthetic hormones and hat hopefully it will fix up on its own. I’m gonna give it a few more months and see what happens

  5. redbluebird February 10, 2014 at 5:32 pm #

    I’m so sorry you’re struggling with this 😦
    It’s so common to experience depression postpartum, and it sounds like it’s something you’ve battled before. Honestly, I’d get on some medication that is safe for breastfeeding. I understand the feeling of wanting to handle it without meds, but you don’t want it to get worse, and you don’t want it to keep affecting you if it doesn’t have to.
    Regarding the vaccinations– I plan to vaccinate my daughter. I am often a skeptic, and hate to over-medicate (or over-vaccinate) myself, let alone my child. I do a lot of research on any decision like that. I’m confident that vaccines don’t cause autism, and I think the benefits outweigh the risks, so I’m doing it. There are risks in everything we do or don’t do, but I’m not comfortable with letting my daughter face the world without some protection against preventable diseases. I don’t love putting all that crap into my baby girl’s body, but when vaccines work they are a wonderful thing, and I feel it’s the lesser of two evils. That being said, there are a few things I’m refusing, like the HepB vaccine at birth and 4 weeks. Your vaccine schedules are probably slightly different there.
    Take care of yourself– your baby girl needs you to!

    • bloggerkuwait March 6, 2014 at 9:47 am #

      Thank you so much for all the info! You’re right, will look into it more to try and make the best decision. It’s just so difficult with all these new vaccines and information out there

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