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To test or not to test?

30 Apr

Thank you for all the wishes everyone sent my way in my last post- it really made me feel so much better when I read each one. Today I am 4dp5dt and I’m already itching for POAS…but….utterly utterly terrified of the outcome. I was suppose to go get pregnancy tests yesterday but I chickened out and said I’d wait one more day. So…maybe I will test at 5dp5dt and we will see from there. My beta will be on next Monday since I didn’t have any HCG in me. When I had my retrieval they were too terrified to give me any incase of hyper stimulation. So everything I’m analyzing and feeling is the high amount of progesterone I’m using? The estrogen? Was it there before? I’ve had no implantation bleeding and I check every. Single. Time. I. Pee. Nothing. Nada. I’m too scared, and everytime I think about it I have an anxiety attack. What if its negative? Everything I’ve done and gone through has been for a waste. How will I afford another transfer? I can’t do another round of IVF hubs isn’t here and can’t come here again! I can’t stay for another 2 months more…his family is already frustrated that I’ve been gone for so long away from him…thinkin we have some marital issues…but only if they knew that we didn’t and its just for us to have our baby. I’m just too scared. Can’t do it.

Blastocyst Transfer

26 Apr

Last night I was having period cramps that made me pretty restless all last night. I didn’t get a full night of sleep. I also dreamt that I was driving and started bleeding. Period blood. Ofcourse that had me waking up today very anxious and nervous. We went in…got all ready…they showed us a picture of our little blastocyst and then did the transfer. The transfer was very quick and painless…and I teared up when I saw our little candy muffin. I couldn’t believe that was hubs and I together. Our dream…right in front of my eyes. When I ran out to finally pee after holding in my urine…I almost cried because I felt like my embie got flushed down. How am I to be sure that it didn’t fall?! A mothers instinct already kicked in and I feel like I have to protect it. I’m also trying so hard not to hold my breath. I’m not counting down when the due date would be. I’m not going daydream about what will happen next. I will not get too excited about this…but I will always give all my love to my little candy muffin. I just can’t believe that’s the closest I’ve been to ever being pregnant…even if it doesn’t work. My life will literally end for the next two weeks. I will be stumped and not sure how to go in with my life..

ER Visit

25 Apr

Today, I was rushed into the ER because I was having symptoms of OHSS. I started having more abdominal pain, shortness of breath and gained a few pounds. To be frankly honest with you guys, the shortness of breath is what really bothered me but I completely felt like it was an anxiety attack. But ofcourse, better safe than sorry. My nurse had sent me to the ER. When I got there I have them my symptoms…and after so many ultrasounds finally the doctor let me know that I had a few cysts that weren’t too big, and probably what caused the abdominal pain. I still feel weird when I breathe..and I hate that I’m having anxiety attacks right now right before the retrieval. I know that I can’t take any anxiety pills…but this feeling sucks so bad, and I’m not very sure that this is a healthy environment for a baby to grow. Is it just me or the meds? Has anyone had anxiety on the fertility meds? ESP IVF?

Egg Retrieval

23 Apr

Sunday’s retrieval went very well…and my doctor took out 50 eggs. Yes, I’m an official chicken. No wonder I have been in so so much pain. After my retrieval I didn’t feel any relief at all, I still felt so sore, bloated and in so much pain. They told me that I should bleed significantly due to the 50 punctures I have, but so far not a spot thank god. The bad news is that I thought that I was done with needles but due to my high number of eggs and chance of OHSS they switched me to progesterone oil which is injected with a big needle in your backside. Ouch! I have been losing a few pounds everyday and feeling a little better which is good news about OHSS. There were 32 mature eggs, and 24 have fertilized. I know everyday a few more will stop, but hopefully I will not need to do IVF again. My doctor called me today to check on me and tell me how lucky I was that there was a lupron trigger, because I would have most likely ended up in the hospital from OHSS. She also told me that she’s seen so many women with different infertility cases, but that by far mine has been the weirdest and most severe case of PCOS. I’m so happy to have had the retrieval over and now feeling better. For what I know, we will be doing a transfer on Friday, the day the hubs leaves back to Kuwait. Honestly, these last couple of days have been a nightmare with pain…looking back I know why I could barely sleep, use the restroom or even walk due to the amount of follicles growing inside of me. Thank you for all your prayers, I carried them with me into the procedure room. I also pray that things continue to go well, because if this transfer doesn’t work, I can kiss a few months goodbye before trying again because I won’t be able to stay another 2 months to do another transfer. It makes me so sad and scared, that I just want to transfer two just incase but my doctor highly doesn’t recommend it. I have put all my faith in God, and continue to do so. I thank you all again, for your thoughts and prayers ❤


20 Apr

Yesterday when I took the trigger shot at 12:30am, I had an allergic reaction to it. First, my body automatically started breaking out in hives an rashes everywhere I couldn’t stop itching…and then the anxiety started kicking in and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I was having an anxiety attack and just needed hubs to hold me to feel better. It was too late to call my doctor, and honestly I just wanted to sleep and wake up the next day to do the blood test and see if the lupron trigger worked or not. After a little while of listening to Quran and having the hubs hold me…I started to relax and finally fell fast asleep.
Tomorrow is my retrieval. I am so nervous and excited…but def so much more nervous about the outcome. We’ve finally reached this point. Prayer is the only thing on our side now.
And even though I don’t feel like I’m the devil right now, this one made me laugh.


Ready for Retrieval

19 Apr

So ladies…finally my 40 follicles are ready to be harvested. I have about 10-15 fully grown follicles and the rest are smaller ones that are just basically taking up space and killing me in the process. I woke up this morning with such bad pain from my swollen ovaries I couldn’t move, walk properly, use the restroom or anything. Also, stomach cramps don’t help either. Nerves? Medication? My body has gone into shock? Who knows! My nurse called me today two hours after my ultrasound, which I must say was much earlier than they usually do…and told me that instead of just a lupron trigger they want me to do a dual trigger of lupron and HCG. What to do? I don’t have HCG, just lupron so I had to get in the car with the hubby and drive all the way back to Maryland during rush hour times to buy it incase I will need it. Needless to say as we were getting off our exit to my parents house they called to tell me that I will only be taking lupron by itself. My estrogen was 5,500. OHSS? Hello, welcome to my lovely ovaries.
I am honestly exhausted. Now, I will be doing the transfer the day the hubs leaves (at least hell be there). But this medication wears you out. After 30+ injections…I wouldn’t like to see another needle in my life again! Tired…exhausted…in pain…tired, tired, tired is basically how I feel. Ready for Sunday…hopefully Lupron does the trick! 😊

Follicles Update II

17 Apr

My numbers have more than doubled already. My estrogen is upto 1,600 today, and tomorrow I will be going back for more monitoring. I am going everyday now because its getting close…and I respond rather quickly/weirdly to medication. My stomach is about 2 months pregnant looking and I am in pain a lot. The bloating and pressure is just so frustrating but I know that comes with the territory. I am also drinking so much water because my nurse said that I could get really dehydrated when taking shots…so I’ve been drinking so much water and need to pee all the time (even more annoying). Honestly, I’m having so much anxiety because my husband leaves a week from Friday back to Kuwait. I really wanted him to be here for the results. If its negative I want to be able to fall and sob into his arms…and if its positive I want us to be together for me to tell him face to face. I can’t imagine giving him news like that over the phone. Something I completely never imagined. He has to go back because he has taken all (minus a week) his vacation days. We don’t want to use all of them up so we can take a trip somewhere around Kuwait sometime in the summer. He will be here hopefully just for the transfer and then head back. That makes me sad. What if I negative? Then will I be able to stay longer for another two months to do another transfer? I don’t think I can stay that long without him. I just can’t do that. Sorry I’m blabbing…my hormones are all out of wack and I’m all over the place…just very emotional. Anyways…have a good night everyone.


14 Apr

I went in for bloodwork and ultrasound today, and I’m happy to hear that my estrogen has gone up again. How do you dip from 300 to 54? The nurse couldn’t even explain it to me, but now it’s gone back up to 190, which the nurse said is much better. I should be planned for retrieval on Friday, but with my slow growing follicles, it might be pushed back. So far I have about 5 follicles on each side that measure over 10mm. And the pain…wow, I’m already starting to feel it. When I use the bathroom or anything, I feel the pain from the swelling of my ovaries. I’m afraid that I will fall into that category of OHSS, since it happens more likely with younger women who have lotsa eggs. I’m nervous since I have a little less than a week left of medication…it will put my ovaries into shock. I’m taking it one step at a time now…not so scared of a negative pregnancy later(but I still am regardless) and now just more worried about OHSS. Will it be all worth it if i end up in the hospital because I can’t breathe? This sucks. All of it sucks. Infertility sucks. And yet, I am so so grateful for this opportunity to do IVF and have a possibility of bringing our baby home. I realize that that’s a far fetched hope, but as some friends pointed out…hope is important. I’m so exhausted from the meds…I can barely move or do anything…so what will happen if I do get pregnant? Don’t want to jump ahead yet though. For the meantime I’m spending lots of time at home trying to relax and take it easy on my body with the medications and the upcoming retrieval, if my follicles continue to react properly to the shots.
One day at a time.


12 Apr

I’m having cramps, and I can’t think that to be something good. Has anyone else had crampiness through IVF medications? I understand the bloating and all, but this feels closer to a period. I realized too many things are still not in our hands, even when most things fall into place, it doesn’t mean that the last part will. I can’t hold my breath, because even if I’m able to get through the medications and retrieval part fine, it doesn’t mean it will be my baby forever. My dear friend is going through that right now and it so tears my heart apart. since this pain is overwhelming, I’m just going to not hold my breath. I don’t want to feel naive about IVF the way I did about fertility treatments. I was so naive when I first started them, thinking that I would get pregnant right away…HA! And I don’t want to keep thinking that this will be my lucky cycle. I don’t want to be naive nomatter how much my doctor tells me otherwise. Here we go again…

Cut in half- Double up

12 Apr

I got a call 3 days ago to lower my dosage of menopur because my levels were too high. Today I got a phone call saying that I need to double both my gonal f and menopur. Menopur is 112iu now and gonal f is 75iu. She told me that my levels are too low right now, but to somewhat not worry yet. Honestly, I’m worried sick because I’m not sure what’s going on. I also had a problem with my AC for two days and had the house really hot (88f) and just remembered that all my meds were not in the fridge. What If that messed up the medication? What if I messed up the dosage? What if my levels won’t go up? So many what ifs…and it doesn’t help that I have really bad anxiety when I take the shots. This is so irritating..