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23 weeks!!

18 Sep

I know. I have been MIA for a while. Not sure if any of you even realized lol. I have not commented or liked any posts, nor have I responded to some of your comments. I have a good reason I promise. First, my WordPress app on my iPhone went haywire…and it wouldn’t allow me to load any of your new posts, even though I have been tryin to log in from elsewhere to keep up with you all. Finally today, I got the new WordPress update and that fixed my problem right away!
What’s been happening? I’m at 23 weeks! Whaaaa??? Where did the time go?
Even though I feel like it’s still moving as slow as a turtle. I want to see my beautiful angel, I want to hold her and see what she looks like.
Let me begin by saying— all you US and UK mothers, kiss the ground that you are on because I realize being here in Kuwait- not everything I want ships here. Actually, basically nothing does. I want organic shampoo, lotion and oil for her, I want true organic baby formula for her incase my milk stops or doesn’t come through. I want the cutest clothes. I want the practical day to day things. And those clothes and day to day things are def here- but you pay the same price as the states when they have MUCH cuter things there! It makes me so mad to pay the same price and get something not that cute at all. How can I ship my baby bee organic stuff? How can I ship my organic formula from Europe? They don’t ship!!! Anyways…be thankful ladies. Be thankful. Everything is so much easier where you are.
Off my rant, within these few weeks I have done my anatomy scan and my glucose test. Did I tell you guys? I don’t even remember. Anatomy scan went good (thank God) and she is safe and sound according to the ultrasound technician. As for the glucose test- it was unbelievably disgusting. And to tell you the truth I was a bit worried about my results because I have PCOS. And I’m not sure if they are 100% correlated, but what I know is that PCOS is due to your insulin and that is due to the way your body breaks down sugar. So I did it. Nearly fainted and threw up 7 times. But it was a two hour test. Go in fasting, drink the glucose and come back after two hours to get your blood drawn again. I was 4.5 before the glucose, and 6.0 after. Not sure what that means because when I looked it up the states uses different numbers than here. Anyways, my doctor said I passed. It’s been 3 weeks since my last appointment, it’s the longest I’ve gone without seeing my doctor, but with her kicking its made it so much easier on me to not be as worried. I only worry if I don’t feel her move as much, my heart literally starts racing and I almost have a heart attack.

She has grown SO much over the course of the last few weeks. I can feel it now not just by my tummy size, but by her kicks. Her kicks now are getting harder and bigger, and that just makes me a proud mommy. I have now decided to tell the rest of my friends that I am pregnant. Yes, I have managed to keep it a secret this whole time. Only family and a FEW friends that have been sworn to secrecy know. I am still terrified. I was even more terrified before. All my friends that I told laugh at me and tell me how are you holding on that long to tell everyone? And it’s simple, I am terrified that if I let the world know and something horrible happens, ill either blame myself for telling everyone or I will live with the regret that now I must share that news as well. I don’t want that. I don’t want anyone giving my baby the evil eye (yes we believe in that) and mostly, honestly, I’ve been scarred by my struggle. At 24 I am pregnant yes, to some this may seem so young, and maybe a little irresponsible or stupid to get pregnant this early, but they have absolutely no idea what this baby means to me, to us. They have no idea that even though we went through a year of infertility, it was the worst year of my life. That it was the most trying time for me, mentally, physically, and emotionally. Just to explain, my emotions were SO much more out of wack before IVF than it was while going through IVF. And while women worry about being an emotional wreck through IVF, my hormones were the most “stable” they ever had been or will be. This so called stability, that explains the deep depression, hurt and anger that I was feeling for all of these 11 months. In the end, they don’t know that we did IVF, and I don’t plan on sharing with the world. I struggle to share something so unbelievably precious, that it may be deemed as insignificant or irresponsible to the rest of the world. This is my miracle, our miracle. And I hold her so precious and deep to my heart that I don’t think the rest of the world deserved to know. Except you guys ofcourse ❀. I don’t know if I explained this correctly, but the point is I’ve struggled with it up until now. My lovely, beautiful and miraculous little secret that is the best kept secret out there. I have decided to share the news next week with my husbands birthday. I will be way into my 6 months, and it’s about time I share. I wouldn’t like to share once I have given birth haha.
The nursery is still under construction. It is a beautiful ivory, pink and white mix that I am just so in love with. Still need to buy a rug, curtains, paint the walls, buy the mattress and add some more decor. Month by month we are slowly buying the rest of her things since you all know how expensive they all can get. And god bless them here, if you want something nice, your only option is pottery barn. And yes, they are slightly more expensive than other places but what can I do?! Again, thank your lucky stars ladies!! For now I will leave you all with a bump pic and a few nursery pics. Enjoy!20130919-011907.jpg

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Kicks, Nursery & Belly!

27 Aug

So many things have changed from week 18 to week 20! I went from not feeling pregnant (and not looking it) to both looking it and feeling it! Wow! Before week 19, my belly looked like a gut. It wasn’t round and cute…my stomach was little early flat and then at the wayyy bottom had a big bulge. I didn’t feel like it was a baby bump at all, and constantly felt like I wasn’t pregnant. And then week 19 happened. I felt my baby girl kick for the first time!! How do I describe it…
I was laying down sideways after a long day and then literally felt two tiny tiny punches after another way down in my uterus. I nearly jumped up! It was the weirdest feeling in the world. That was the moment. The exact moment that I finally felt pregnant. That I felt the little life inside of me. It was the most beautiful feeling in the world. She then kicked a few times and disappeared for a few days which nearly gave me a heart attack! But then she kicked again afterwards…with a sigh of relief, I now have a way to keep up with the worry I constantly have about my little girl with just feeling her. She’s becoming more active now and a little bit more consistent with her daily kicks, even though I think it will take a few more weeks until I can figure out her sleep/awake schedule. Then week 20 happened. My uterus started rising up higher, and I finally look (and feel) a lot more round! I finally feel completely pregnant. And even though its just such an amazing transformation and time for me, worry is still there, even though I’ve finally let go of a lot of it. I started shopping for my daughters nursery decorations (without my husband constantly saying its way too early)…because he finally feels like I’m pregnant too! He felt her kick two days ago for the first time, and from the joy that was in his eyes, I started crying. It was just so beautiful. After all we went through, the months of endless and useless shots and doctors appointments, with finally IVF, we have reached that point. That point of enjoying this life growing inside of me. And even though I feel like its too long of a wait until I get to see her, I also feel as if it will happen so soon, and I must start preparing now. Slowly but surely, hope I get everything I need done before this miracle comes into our world. How will it feel when I first see her? I can’t believe we have to wait all of the 9 months to see what she looks like!
These are my current crazy emotions and update. I couldn’t wait to share with you guys the amazing milestone we have come to, and I hope that it continues throughout the rest of the pregnancy (God willing).
Xoxo

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Gender Reveal

15 Aug

It’s been an exhausting few weeks. You would have thought that my bump and stay in the hospital would be the only scary thing I would pass through- but no, life isn’t that easy folks 😊 the last few days I’ve been feeling ill, under the weather, with symptoms that kept sneaking up in my mind as listeria poisoning, and I have been freaking out. This month had been going fine, I had been passing through to my second appointment without a glitch and I was SO happy for that. My doctor thinks I’m an over paranoid mother to be with absolutely no self control (which may be half true when it comes to my baby lol). So after last night, when I had crazy stomach pains I decided that if I woke up this morning that I would go see her to do bloodwork to see if I indeed do have listeria or anything else that requires medication. The problem is, with all the family visiting and going to people’s houses, I can’t control what food they put out to eat, and how do I know that things may be infected or not?! What agony I have to go through just to eat something dammit! When we walked in, I told her my symptoms, and instead of bloodwork she decided to do an ultrasound. She said if the baby looked fine then she would just give me pain meds, and that listeria poisoning even if she did bloodwork wouldn’t show up right away, and even if it did, there is no medical treatment for it. So basically, stop eating random things and pray to God that you don’t have something horrible. Yay. Kind of. I am relieved yet not relieved at the same time. I was just happy to see that my baby was okay, and sleeping. And that it’s a GIRL!! After a month of running after her little lady parts, she finally decided to show us today! I couldn’t be happier, I am really really excited to buy all pink things. The food pointing is still in the back of my mind though, and it seems like this won’t be something that will easily let me be. Worrying about this baby has caused me more anxiety than I can handle, and I just wish that it was a little more smooth sailing than this. Will I ever get to a point where I won’t fear my baby being stripped away from me in a second? I don’t think so.

Ramadan Kareem

16 Jul

It’s been a while since I’ve updated. We’ve still been pretty busy getting the house put together after moving, and now the holy month of Ramadan has started for us. What’s been happening so far? Well. I promised some of you that I would post some pictures from the nursery but it is a complete mess right now and is being used as a storage room as well, so I must clean it out first! But here’s the picture from online where I bought it

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In other news…I finally told the rest of my family and friends about our pregnancy a week ago. They were over the moon. Just unbelievably happy for us and some of my friends even cried! I used to sit and cry to them about not being able to have a baby…an how much that really was killing me inside. I couldn’t believe their reactions, some of the sweetest people out there. Apart from the few people I chose, this is pretty much a secret to the world. I am not ready to have other people know anything yet.
I had another uti scare a few days ago. I have been having uti pains that I had before when I first got told that I have it. I kept ignoring it because it would come n go away but then it got so bad that I had to go and do a urine test. Culture came back normal. Weird. And now I am contemplating running into our doctors office to complain to her. I don’t know what the pains are and they are really worrying me. Well, have I ever told you guys that I had a bunch of dreams and a hunch that I’m preggers with a girl? Well now all my dreams are about a boy! I was almost 100% sure it was a girl. So now, hubs and I made a decision to go at the end of this week and just give it a chance to see if the doctor could find out if its a boy or a girl. So I’m thinking on Thursday I will go and hit two birds with one stone, even though I know it will be hard at this time for her to tell us the gender. Either way we will see.
Symptoms so far? Boobs are still so sore(maximized at the nipple area), belly is growing yet still looks like I ate too many doughnuts, it’s not really very round yet. And hair? My hair is JUST starting to fall out, I’ve heard it falls out in the beginning of pregnancy, but at the quarter mark? Weird! And then now I have hair on my tummy, something I never thought would happen! I’m fair skinned and don’t have much hair at all, but pregnancy brings weird symptoms and this is just one of them for me. Yet I’m too afraid to shave it or wax it. I think ill keep it there even though it really bothers me.
As for Ramadan, I’m not fasting, but I’m enjoying this month of getting closer to god and reading the Quran to my little baby ❀

12 Weeks

1 Jul

We have officially entered into the 12 week mark. I can’t believe it, I really didn’t think it would happen. I thought that my odds were better off with me having a miscarriage. I mean, it’s very hard to get a positive on your first IVF cycle, so I’m def bound to have something terrible happen along the way! I just kept counting down until Sundays appointment to make sure bambino was fine because I had done something I shouldn’t of done beforehand. I’m scared to even share it in here from the judgements I might get! I actually bought nursery furniture *gasp*!!!! Yes. I can’t believe I did it either, and hubs didn’t want to. Here’s what happened, for fun about 2 weeks ago I started looking at baby stuff to get an idea of pricing etc. and then I found the one furniture set that I’ve always in my mind wanted to get for my baby- but it was on sale (amazing sale!) and about to be discontinued. I went through it a million times with myself, and the truth is as much as I would hate to buy anything now when it’s waaaaay too early, I would hate myself if I let this go. Let me give you an idea, a 3 piece set of crib, wardrobe and dresser with some accessories was about the same price as one nice crib somewhere else. The whole thing the same price as just a crib!! Finally I thought to myself, if this baby isn’t meant to live, it could die at 6 months or even at birth, and not necessarily just now. I was afraid I was still jinxing bambino though, my heart was aching. I still havnt received the furniture yet, and again I know it’s still early, but I couldn’t let it go. If something happens, I hope our future baby either way will sleep in it. Fml moment that im still even judging myself over it.

Onto our 12 week scan! Bambino looked wonderful! The doctor said I know you’re so worried, but I see your placenta and here’s your baby, this time bambino was sleeping. Had a stable heartbeat of 154 bpm. It made me relieved. I didn’t kill my baby with my purchasing of nursery furniture!

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Now I have to wait a whole month until I have another ultrasound. I don’t know how ill do it, I constantly think of the worst things happening and I just hate it. Hopefully though, a month from now, we will be finding out the gender of the baby, if bambino cooperates 😊

Home Sweet Home

8 Jun

Hi everyone, I have been meaning to update for a while but I have been so absolutely jetlagged that I barely even function now. On the flight back to Kuwait, it was rather…interesting. The flight was almost booked, and there were a few rows that were empty except for one person sitting there, luckily I was one of them. When I checked in I told them that I would have to get up every two hours and just didn’t want to have to bother anyone sleeping next to me, so they gave me an empty row, how nice of them! I got also wheelchair service because in the transit you must walk up and down a long flight of stairs while carrying your carry on and I couldn’t do that, so that definitely helped. The crappy news? I was the ONLY row on the flight that the arm rests couldn’t go up. I know most people don’t get that luxury and I shouldn’t complain about it…but it’s like waving water at a thirty person. I was dying! I just wanted at least an hour of restful sleep…in between having to get up every two hours to walk, and getting so nauseas that I was going to throw up 7 times, it was a really difficult flight. I was starving, but couldn’t eat anything from how sick I felt! I kissed the ground when I arrived because it was simply put, too much for bambino and I. The next day, I had an appointment with the gynecologist that first diagnosed me with PCOS. I disappeared about 6 months ago from her once I realized that this diagnosis was much more serious than I had thought, and that her help couldn’t be used anymore, I needed an RE. She looked at me and said “wow, you look a lot better than last time”, well…no shit because last time I literally was losing every ounce of control and patience that I had, I felt like my dream of a family was slipping right in between my fingers. I’ve had nightmares from this hospital, from my initial diagnosis to my treatment that failed for almost 5 months with her, it was a debilitating time. It was so weird being back. And you might ask, what in your right mind would bring you to go back there? Simply put, it’s hard to find a good doctor, and she was good enough to diagnose me with something that sometimes takes years for doctors to pick up, and also, because my husbands insurance works with the hospital and also it is 2 min from my house. I sucked it up, and went. After my horrible flight, I expected bambino to have paid the price for my lack of sleep, lack of eating and my cursing of living daylight for about 15 hours. Let me tell you… This is the first time that I didn’t have to show my hoo ha! I was taking off my pants and the nurse goes…no not required. I’m like umm ok but I’m too early on to have a regular ultrasound? I listened anyways, and apparently I’m not. She picked up bambino right away, he obviously looked like a big blob on screen instead of clearer through a vaginal ultrasound which made me sad but I accepted it. The heart rate also went up…from 152 4 days before to 164! I’m so proud if bambino…so so proud! It was also my husbands first time meeting bambino…and as she was finding the heartbeat my husband stood mesmerized by the screen…his baby…with his/her heartbeat. He definitely melted, as did I.
Sleep. It’s all I want, and it’s all I cannot get. When I arrived, I slept at 12, woke up at 4am to pee and couldn’t go back to sleep until 8am! Which meant that I slept until 5pm. And my sleep has been off ever since then, and absolutely not one restful nights sleep until last night when I finally caved in and took unisom natural nights that includes B6, calcium, and 2.5 mg of melatonin. I have been hesitant to take it because I’m not sure if melatonin is safe, but I kept reading that under 5mg should be fine. I hope it is..because I took it again now so I can sleep..I hate not bring able to sleep!! Other than all of this…bambino and I are safely home with my husband. I can’t believe it’s been over a month since I’ve seen him and since he’s been able to be next to bambino…I’m really happy for my husband and I to finally be in Kuwait and feel at peace. This is the first time in over a year that I havnt hated being here, and I know that it all stems from my PCOS.

Graduation from SGFC

31 May

Today, was baby’s graduation day. Bitter sweet because I wasn’t willing to leave my amazing doctor that made getting pregnant with this baby possible. She was the only doctor that diagnosed me properly, told me what ill probably be looking forward to (IVF, and she was RIGHT!) and stuck by me even while I was overseas and she wasn’t even my paid doctor! How amazing right?! I feel like the baby is only safe under her watch, and I’m so scared to leave the comfort of Shady Grove that has made this process so comforting and amazing. It’s my second home, and my other babies second home. Ah, let’s get back to the appointment. Bambino was measuring 7w5d, which is exactly on point. Heartbeat went back up to 152 or 154, can’t remember which one, which gave me so much relief. I was holding my breath going In expectin the worst (typical me). But what I got was this little mini human being, that was just so perfect in so many ways. And bambino wiggled its butt on the screen as we were watching! πŸ™‚

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And here’s to the other news, I had a feeling that my UTI wasn’t fully gone, so I did another test today. They called me back saying that they just received the culture test from the first UTI test and that it showed that the bacteria that I have is one that requires 7 days of antibiotics. Great, would have been lovely to just continue the two more days instead of doing a whole extra week of medication 😦 fine, ill deal. The second bad thing is that I keep having pregnancy brain, I think. In between my progesterone, my estrogen, my iron, my prenatal vitamins, my metaformin and my antibiotics, I have been messing up and taking metaformin twice, when I had originally gone down to once a day. I have been having stomach aches and pains over the past week, and having diarrhea (sorry, TMI!), and then I realized…I’ve been taking metaformin in the morning AND evening! Oh, gosh. This is not good. And as much as I’d like to think that it was fine, my mind started going crazy about whether its hurt the baby or not. Man, I can’t wait to stop all medications (except prenatal) after June 15th. I will be such a happy camper! And my tummy will finally be relieved πŸ™‚ I hope I never take it twice again because I’m struggling now. The miracles that happen. Sigh.
I want to say, that while these last two months and a half have been miraculous for me in the way the stars aligned for me to be pregnant with bambino, I can’t believe it’s over. I can’t thank you all for all the support and love you have given me, it’s been amazing having you by my side, actually…I don’t know what I would do if you all weren’t by my side. I hope this little bambino continues to grow strong and big, and I wish that I can join you all back in the states in November, for birth in January. I pray we all follow the same path of being pregnant together. I truly love you all, thank you. And a big thank you from bambino, too πŸ™‚

UTI

27 May

Thank you all for your comforting messages about the baby’s hb. I hope it’s true, and that that heartbeat will be much faster next time, and finally put me at ease. The other day I found out that I tested positive for a UTI, and while for some people it wouldn’t be that big if a deal, for me I was so sad because this simply means that I’m at higher risk for getting it again, an I don’t know if this is something that can easily be taken care of in kuwait with antibiotics that will not harm the baby. Anyways, my nurse had sent me the prescription and I went to go fill it. I got home, and read on the bottle “do not take if you become pregnant”. I thought hmm…that’s odd. My doctor knows I’m pregnant and wouldn’t prescribe something that would be harmful to the baby, maybe this is just a “talk to your doctor” type of warning. I went to Dr. Google and checked. Some people wrote that their doctor prescribed it for them and said that it was okay. I thought, that’s probably what happened too, and then I read a comment that stuck with me “you should double check, because doctors are humans too, and they can make mistakes”. Could it be? I calls cvs and asked the pharmacist, when 1 minute before I was about to just take the pill I solve myself of this anxiety of what is happening, but I knew that if I was wrong, I would never forgive myself. The pharmacist said, no you shouldn’t take it, call your doctor. I called my nurse once they opened again and told her whats happening, she said that she would double check with my doctor and get back to me. Apparently, for some reason my doctor wrote me the wrong prescription for uti. It was an antibiotic, but like the pharmacist said, should not be used while pregnant. And now if these mistakes happen here, what makes me think they will not happen overseas? While I am finishing up my round of antibiotics, I am getting ready to start packing to head back. I will be leaving the states on the 2nd, and my last ultrasound is on the 31st. I can’t believe I’ve been here for almost 2 1/2 months, but I am tired and missing my husband. He hasn’t experienced any of this, and I just wish now more than anything for him to be a part of this little baby’s life. I hope Friday goes well, I really don’t know what would happen to me if it didn’t. In trying to think positive. My belly is already bulging and nausea is annoying me all the time. The thing is I’m trying to eat healthy, and part of it is eating! I’m losing weight not gaining, and this troubles me. I wish I could go through the normal month to month stages that mothers go through here, but I know that when I go back, I will not have that. I will only get baby is alive or dead, and would you like to know the sex of the baby? I don’t think there are screening tests, and monthly uti tests, and blood tests and 2 week ultrasounds. Will they even sympathize with me that I had IVF and that this causes a lot more anxiety than other pregnant women? Don’t think so. K enough of this rant! Happy Memorial Day everyone!

6 1/2 Week Ultrasound

23 May

Today was my ultrasound, and I can say that it was an interesting/trying day. I couldn’t sleep at all the night before, and kept waking up every few hours from my anxiety and worry about whether my baby will be alive or not. Also, a few days prior my father had a scare with skin cancer (not had, still has, and it has not been ruled out), so I have been even more on edge and feeling out of control. I woke up that morning and headed there with my mom and sister in law, which I can completely say us like the sister I never had, which is amazing. We got there, I asked if I could Skype my husband and they said go ahead. Ofcourse, him and I have been a nervous wreck waiting to see the ultrasound. He went to a cafe next to his work (he had just gotten off) in order to get better Internet for our Skype date. Ofcourse, kuwait Internet failed us. Yay. Doctor came in, observed the scan, and even though that specific machine couldn’t let us hear the heartbeat, we could see it. And I couldn’t believe my eyes, I’m still trying to take it in. My sister in law had recorded the whole thing- incase what happened with my husband would, which it did, and I sent him the video right away. It was one baby, not two, which makes the last scan still questionable. Here is where I was left worried sick: the heartbeat was 109. I looked at the tech and said umm isn’t that low? She said no, it’s fine, we look for anything above 100. But for some reason I couldn’t stomach it, and I knew I just wouldn’t. I will be another nervous wreck until the 31st, and I really just wanted some peace, that I havnt gotten a chance to have. I also did a urine analysis since I’m having uti symptoms, lovely. But on another good note…I have graduated from progesterone shots!! Those damn things hurt like a mother effer and truly left my backside sore. After dropping off 4 full boxes of used needles, please…don’t pass me anymore. But I will tell you one thing, those vaginal inserts are absolutely disgusting. The discharge from them looks the same as a yeast infection. There’s no running away from lovely old progesterone! But still…please pass it on all the way, because its supposedly doing the one thing my body fails at, which is protecting my baby. In the meantime, I will pack, get ready to head back to kuwait while I still sit and google and worry about that 109 heartbeat. Did she count it right? Was it because I could barely eat anything that morning? Was it anything I did to the baby without realizing? Oh my little nugget, mommy prays for you every single second of everyday. Please keep growing, and please let your tiny little heart get stronger and stronger. I’m doing everything I can, and eating everything that I can to have you be a healthy little baby. I love you.