Tag Archives: #arab-american

Sprinkles sprinkles

4 Dec

After a long month and a half of waiting to start my clomid+fostimon, the time has finally come. I got my period yesterday and already started my clomid today. I need all the baby prayers I can get because at this point it’s been too difficult. I’m not really sure what ill do if this fertility treatment doesn’t work. I’m crossing my fingers….

All my love to the women out there trying this month…may this one be your last 🙂

Sharing is Caring

7 Nov

One of the friends I shared the news with about my PCOD has decided to get off her birth control to see how her cycle is and whether or not she’s good to go with baby making in a year or so. She’s a few years older than me, so when she heard my story and watched the latest Kardashian episode on khloe not ovulating, she decided to find out for herself. I didn’t mean to freak her out, and she’s most likely fine…but the fact that I raised a little bit of awareness on this subject means the world to me. It made me really happy that atleast she knew, because knowledge is power. I pray for her that she will be just fine after she gets off birth control and that she never has to deal with what I am dealing with. Sharing is definitely caring.

On another note….congratulations America, I couldn’t be happier for Obama.

Yoga & Dance

4 Nov

ImageYesterday i went to try a gym in Kuwait that has Pilates, Yoga & Dance classes. I’ve always been a complete advocate for health and working out to improve your body’s natural rhythm. My problem was that everytime i would go to the gym i wouldn’t really know what to do. I would stand and stare at all the different equipment in confusion about where to start and what to do. I thought that this place would be awesome, i would be able to get a great workout in without actually feeling like im working out. The yoga class worked me out to the bone, stretched me out more than i needed to and made me feel a little more whole. I then entered the dance class. Every girl that stood there looked like she was trying to work out her body and lose some weight here and there while i was the stick girl that walked in. Everyone was looking at me like why am i here exactly? I know i don’t need to lose weight, but my problems stem so much deeper. While they gave me weird looks, i stood feeling even more out of place. Their ovaries probably work. How much i envy them for that. If they only knew…

More Testing…

4 Nov

My husband went to do some testing for himself yesterday before i start the shots. I’ve been a nervous wreck ever since then waiting for the results. I am so torn inside because a part of me wishes i’m not the only one thats broken, the only one that could be blamed for all of our problems conceiving; yet at the same time i hope and pray so hard that there isn’t something wrong with him because that hurts our overall chances of conceiving all together. What a bad a bitter feeling to be inside of you. It’s such a daunting feeling that i’m just trying to completely wash out so that i don’t have to think about it. It’s just simply a waiting game now…

The Maldives + Clomid

3 Nov

My husband and I decided to take a short trip to the Maldives for a few days. It should fall around the time of my ovulation. He said it would be our lucky month. This is it he said; let’s conceive our baby in the Maldives. It sounded amazing to me. He said this time felt different for him, and even though I didn’t say it, it felt a little different for me too. I kept those few words to myself because I didn’t want us to both get so excited and then be heartbroken all over again. I didn’t know what I would do if I wasn’t able to ovulate this month. So I had my hopes up that not only will I ovulate this month, but that miraculously his little guys would find their way to my struggling egg and voila!

It’s been a relaxing few days in the Maldives. Trying to not be cooped up in our hut from the storm that passed by for 2 days. When I am stuck inside all I think about it my bloody unfertile body. My failure. My heartache. I’m trying not to stress about this because I know it won’t help. I need to get out and smell the ocean air, feel the breeze pass through me; put my feet into the ocean water. Ocean water soothes me, I feel like it has healing powers. Just putting my feet in by themselves makes me feel better. As if that salt water is taking away all the toxins in my body. What is it exactly? Is my PCOD a toxin? A disease? A syndrome? Does it even matter anyway?

A stork has been following me around the island. I can’t help but smile every time I see it because it makes me think back on those days when we were little kids and thought that a stork brings your baby to your doorstep. I secretly created this wonderful fantasy as if I’m still a little girl and the stork will bring me my baby one of these mornings. Isn’t it nice to look back and remember those innocent times of when we thought life was so simple and easy? Before I knew that I would be dealing with the biggest failure of my life. My womb. I called him George. The first time we met was our first morning there. I grabbed my coffee, some biscuits and walked outside to enjoy the sunrise while my husband slept inside. I was just about done taking in the wonderful morning, opening the sliding door to go on and “whiff” he flew by and stood right on our private staircase. I was amazed. He was so big and so beautiful. I ran inside to grab my camera. I just had to take a picture of this beauty. I didn’t know that this would be the beginning of the many times I would run into him. He became my friend that I spot every morning while I’m walking around the island or simply sitting on the staircase. The first soothing concept of a baby to me. I really kept thinking this must be our lucky month.

I had done some research while there on certain things that can help your egg production. One of the things I kept running into is a specific diet. One article I read said eat healthy foods, grains, no sugars and as much organic as you can. I then would tell my husband that I found a helpful diet that I should stick to and hopefully it will help. Then the next day I find another article that says I should completely stay away from wheat…but I thought that’s what was supposed to be healthy? I got confused from all the different options and suggestions so I completely just stopped carbs as much as I could since that was the only thing that kept repeating


What’s next?

3 Nov

I started doing research on this vague “syndrome” or “disease” that has apparently taken over my body now. All of the symptoms that kept repeating didn’t really happen to me. The being overweight, excess hair and uncontrollable acne. I did have some acne growing up, but then again so did my brothers…it was a hereditary gene and not necessarily from PCOS. I was so confused reading articles and other forums because everyone mostly struggled with these issues, while what was happening with my body was completely different. My experience is completely different, but not any less horrific. I was left even more hurt, confused and not really sure where to turn to.

I then started taking Glucophage (Metaphormin) everyday, twice a day. That was supposed to help regulate my period. My first period was good; it came at the right time. I didn’t get pregnant. My second period I missed. I missed it, but not only that, I wasn’t even in Kuwait to have them check up on me. I was in the U.S. visiting my family. I had a feeling I didn’t ovulate. I was having very painful cramps all month long, and then my period was late. I wasn’t pregnant. Something inside of me prayed in some miraculous way the doctor was going to jump up and tell me I’m pregnant. I even imagined it when I was sitting in the office uttering the words “I don’t think I ovulated”. My miracle didn’t happen. She did an ultrasound and said “your PCOD is misbehaving”. I couldn’t even move. I smirked inside of me because it was as if PCOD was an alien taking over my body and now it’s misbehaving. How do you mentally grasp that concept? I’m not sure where to begin.

Next treatment was clomid. She was going to push my body into creating that period that apparently should never come because I never ovulated. And then I will be taking clomid which should help me ovulate. I did a lot of research on the internet. Clomid apparently has had a lot of positive outcomes from it. A lot of women talked about how they had ovulated after taking it and some even got pregnant with twins. I day dreamed about that idea for a while. How lovely would it be to have twins? I never thought about it, but then again I know a lot of times the things we don’t think about are usually what end up happening to us. I made myself accept the concept of twins, and then began praying for it. I can’t wait to be pregnant.


The Diagnosis

3 Nov

A few days later I had my appointment with the gynecologist. That day was such a haze. I don’t even know how to describe it, and even thinking about it breaks my heart all over again. I get a knot in my throat and my heart starts beating out of control. All I remember is lying down and the doctor asking me questions. “Is there a history of diabetes in your family?” “Yes I answered.” “Does anyone have high blood pressure?” “Yes. My father and my grandfather.” “How was your period before you got on birth control?” “Heavy and painful.” I answered. For the first time, I didn’t want an answer, because the last thing I wanted to be wrong with me is fertility. The one reason why I decided to start trying earlier with my husband. She came back and did an ultrasound on me. “You’re definitely not pregnant.” Now I was just on the verge of tears. “And I see the cyst”. She stopped searching for what was going on inside of me and told me to clean up and come sit down with her. Okay, she looked at me, you might have PCOD but we have to do more tests to be sure. I looked at her and said “Yes, two family members have been diagnosed with that.” Since it’s not my mother or grandmother, I thought I was good. This shouldn’t be affecting me you know. It’s another gene that’s running in another blood line most likely.

Two weeks later. First test came back. I got a call from the doctor personally. “Okay this test came back okay, so you might not have PCOD.” I took a deep breath and exhaled quickly. Phew, that was close. I went back home ecstatic to tell my husband. She said I’m most likely good! I’m so happy, now we can definitely try again and hopefully next month I will be pregnant. But she said she’d call me back to confirm a few days later for the second batch of tests. I wasn’t sure how to feel, but knew that I was one thing at that time. And that was happy.

A few days later the phone rang. I picked up with absolutely no hesitation because I was waiting to just hear you’re clear. You’re good. “Yeah one of the tests came back borderline. You need to stop by and pick up a medication. It’s for diabetes. I will leave it at the front desk”. All that came out of my mouth was okay, okay…okay. My husband came home. I told him the doctor called. She said my sugar I guess was borderline, and I need to take medication. He said okay, but questioned what that meant. I looked at him and said I have no idea what this means. How did I all of a sudden go from maybe having PCOD to my blood sugar being off? I told him when we go to pick up the prescription, I need to go in and talk to her. He said okay. We got there and I asked them for just 5 minutes with the doctor, I need to get more clarification. Okay they said. 10 minutes later, the door opened and her nurse came out. She escorted us into the room and they doctor greeted us with a half-smile. I sat down, not sure how to begin to ask what she meant. “You told me I need to take this medication, why exactly? I didn’t understand when you called me today” “You have PCOD, so you need to take this to fix your hormones” she said. “Oh okay” deer-eyed I walked out. Another knot in my throat. My husband had no idea what she was just saying. He walked out saying “Okay good, baby you’re okay!” I looked at him and said “No, babe that’s not what she said. I’m not okay”.