Tag Archives: clomid

Take Off

22 Dec

In less than 24 hours ill be headed on a flight back to the States to see my family. Here’s the update on what I will be checking out when I get there- a consultation with my Ob-Gyn. She has never previously treated me for PCOS since I was diagnosed here in Kuwait. I will be interested to see what she tells me about my specific case. I have bought all my fertility treatments today to take back with me incase I do get AF on time, when I will be there. 1 clomid pack and 6 fostimon tubes and about $110 down, I am ready to go. I will possibly be seeing a specialist…I want to see what my doc says first, but I’m really in major need of advice from the most specialized doctor on this since I’m only going back for 2 weeks. I also looked up and emailed an acupuncturist who specializes in treating PCOS- or so I hope. I haven’t heard back yet but I really hope that I can do this because I heard it helps. I also set up appointments with a therapist…I definitely need it after all I’ve been through here all alone. I think my sanity is almost gone from trying to conceive. What hurts the most is that I’m 23 and broken. I know I keep repeating it…but I’m still not over the fact that I have this. I think therapy will help me understand and accept my situation a lot better, and everyone needs to be healthy mentally, physically and emotionally to have a baby. Also, this time will also be jam packed with lots of family and friends time…this is also part of my healing…having my loved ones around me. I will definitely miss the hubs…but I need this…we need this. I need to make sure that I’m getting the best treatment possible with PCOS. I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday…and may 2013 be our lucky year ladies…cheers!

Another rant, because its my TWW.

17 Dec

Tomorrow is the big day. No, not the big day to find out if I’m pregnant, but the big day to see if my body did what it’s actually suppose to do (ovulating) or not. I’m so scared. Like so nauseous to my stomach about to throw up because If she told me I never ovulated I might have another major meltdown (which has already happened 3 times while waiting for this new cycle to begin). My beautiful new marriage Is being tested in so many ways and it really hurts. I’m so sad with what I’ve become through all of this. I have heard before that infertility is very trying, but boy did I have no idea what it does to marriages. And they say couples have a higher chance of divorcing after adding babies to the family due to stress, bitch please, those people never even heard of infertile couples…cuz that definitely trumps having a baby! There’s nothing worse than the pity and sorrow in a couples eyes who can’t have children when they look at other couples who have. Damn it…I’m 23 years old..a healthy (semi ofcourse…I have PCOS) who just got married less than a year ago! I am so scared…I don’t want to be doing this…I just want it all to go away. You see the problem with my “symptoms” is that I got a bad stomach virus the last few days of my shots. Like ended up in the hospital with 4 IVs in me sick to my stomach. BUT…I never threw up or was nauseous. I have been so nauseous the last few days, and few foods make me want to literally throw up…but I’ve been holding it back because I’m so terrified of throwing up. I have always had this phobia. So funny, I kept thinking to myself I’ve never wanted to throw up so bad (as well as not) so much in my life before. I have been having lots of cramps also…but nothing in the boob department, that’s why I think it’s a complete fail. This is the first time I say this outloud and it’s even more painful as it is in my head. I didn’t ovulate because I still have my little boobs due to my uneven hormones. Those damn boobs…I just want something to happen…I’m yearning to go back to the cup size I used to be. I have been frantically looking up dates I can do a bpt to find out earlier if I am or not because I simply can’t wait. Thinking about all of this makes me feel so sick to my stomach, even more than I do already. I want to live in this La la land that doesn’t include hearing you didn’t ovulate this month because that will most likely mean an extra two week wait on Mother Nature to arrive and then we go through the same routine of shots and clomid. The shots hurt…they sucked!!! I keep praying and crying to god that this will be the last month I have to go through this..I just can’t anymore. I think at my next visit I might just cry to my doctor from how overwhelmed I am. I’ve been holding myself and being so strong around her when all I wanna do is cry and scream why!! Just please fix me! I can’t sleep now. I can’t sleep because all I’m thinking about is the progesterone blood test tomorrow. Did I? Did I not? Assessing every little feeling I’m having and comparing It to the symptoms I usually have when I don’t ovulate. They’re basically the same I have now. And lets not talk about the husband, with all the anxiety and stress he’s going through…I don’t even wanna look in his face if this test fails. Fml. My body sucks. And all I wanna do is cry/it’s all I’m doing. Im done.

Sprinkles sprinkles

4 Dec

After a long month and a half of waiting to start my clomid+fostimon, the time has finally come. I got my period yesterday and already started my clomid today. I need all the baby prayers I can get because at this point it’s been too difficult. I’m not really sure what ill do if this fertility treatment doesn’t work. I’m crossing my fingers….

All my love to the women out there trying this month…may this one be your last 🙂

The Maldives + Clomid

3 Nov

My husband and I decided to take a short trip to the Maldives for a few days. It should fall around the time of my ovulation. He said it would be our lucky month. This is it he said; let’s conceive our baby in the Maldives. It sounded amazing to me. He said this time felt different for him, and even though I didn’t say it, it felt a little different for me too. I kept those few words to myself because I didn’t want us to both get so excited and then be heartbroken all over again. I didn’t know what I would do if I wasn’t able to ovulate this month. So I had my hopes up that not only will I ovulate this month, but that miraculously his little guys would find their way to my struggling egg and voila!

It’s been a relaxing few days in the Maldives. Trying to not be cooped up in our hut from the storm that passed by for 2 days. When I am stuck inside all I think about it my bloody unfertile body. My failure. My heartache. I’m trying not to stress about this because I know it won’t help. I need to get out and smell the ocean air, feel the breeze pass through me; put my feet into the ocean water. Ocean water soothes me, I feel like it has healing powers. Just putting my feet in by themselves makes me feel better. As if that salt water is taking away all the toxins in my body. What is it exactly? Is my PCOD a toxin? A disease? A syndrome? Does it even matter anyway?

A stork has been following me around the island. I can’t help but smile every time I see it because it makes me think back on those days when we were little kids and thought that a stork brings your baby to your doorstep. I secretly created this wonderful fantasy as if I’m still a little girl and the stork will bring me my baby one of these mornings. Isn’t it nice to look back and remember those innocent times of when we thought life was so simple and easy? Before I knew that I would be dealing with the biggest failure of my life. My womb. I called him George. The first time we met was our first morning there. I grabbed my coffee, some biscuits and walked outside to enjoy the sunrise while my husband slept inside. I was just about done taking in the wonderful morning, opening the sliding door to go on and “whiff” he flew by and stood right on our private staircase. I was amazed. He was so big and so beautiful. I ran inside to grab my camera. I just had to take a picture of this beauty. I didn’t know that this would be the beginning of the many times I would run into him. He became my friend that I spot every morning while I’m walking around the island or simply sitting on the staircase. The first soothing concept of a baby to me. I really kept thinking this must be our lucky month.

I had done some research while there on certain things that can help your egg production. One of the things I kept running into is a specific diet. One article I read said eat healthy foods, grains, no sugars and as much organic as you can. I then would tell my husband that I found a helpful diet that I should stick to and hopefully it will help. Then the next day I find another article that says I should completely stay away from wheat…but I thought that’s what was supposed to be healthy? I got confused from all the different options and suggestions so I completely just stopped carbs as much as I could since that was the only thing that kept repeating