Betas

*This is a pregnancy related post. If you are in a bad place please feel free to skip*

My first beta came in on Monday at 577. My second beta came in today at 1,192. So far, the baby looks alive and thriving. I know I’m not out of the woods yet, ofcourse. When I spoke to the nurse today about when it will be possible for me to travel back to my husband, she told me technically speaking that I can travel anytime, but that it’s best to stay until 8 week ultrasound because according to her if I were to have a miscarriage it would be most likely during that time, and that if it was ectopic that they would find out by then too. Thanks for putting that in my head because I hadn’t even thought about ectopic, but it made me run into panic mode because I felt some sharp pains on my right side yesterday. And then she said- if it was ectopic your numbers would rise and then remain steady. Thank you, because that means my numbers today would mean nothing if this baby got stuck in my Fallopian tube. I can’t ease this anxiety I have, and now I completely understand every woman on this blog that has become pregnant. I can’t shake the fact that this is not a normal pregnancy and that I will continue to wonder what is happening with this baby. I will not get to see my husband for another month, and while its for an amazing reason, it’s also so difficult not having him here to help me through this panic mode attack that happens every five seconds. I am still careful, there will be no new category of pregnancy, until i know everything is fine (yeah right, will i ever believe it?). Faith. I keep just reminding myself about faith…and constantly pray that this baby has found it’s home for the next nine months.
I didn’t have sore boobs this whole time- and so I was worried today’s beta would be too low. I know they say every pregnancy is different…but somehow I have this crazy idea that if symptoms aren’t as intense as they say, this baby is in an awful place. Well, tonight the sore boobs kicked in full force…I felt like I got punched in my boobs about 5 times. And the nausea…oh my god. I crave something…and as soon as I put a bite in my mouth I get this awful feeling in my stomach like I am about to throw up. I am a wuss when it comes to throwing up. I’ve thrown up about 5 times in my life and they were torturous for me (mainly because I have acid reflux, so I found out later that it is far more painful for me than others). God please, I don’t want to burn my esophagus. Till today…I’m alive and baby is still inside. Till today I have faith that what is best will happen. Till today I kneel down on my knees and thank God five times a day for the gift he’s giving me. Till today, I pray for you all my friends, my wonderful supportive friends.

Thank you <3

Words can’t begin to explain how thankful and happy I am for all the love I received from you all yesterday. I really felt very sad that I couldn’t get myself to enjoy this wonderful gift I’ve been given so far- and let me explain further why. My cousin that has PCOS, can get pregnant naturally. She started ovulating normally on metaformin…but she miscarried 3 times and now she has to be on a year break from trying. That automatically made me think that this is something hereditary and that I will probably face just as much heartache, if not even more. And there is a medical reason behind my worries- it’s the dreadful PCOS. But I am doing my best- I’m eating as healthy as I can, staying away from any form of smoke- resting enough and TRYING to be as calm as possible. Sometimes I talk to it and tell it I love it…but I’m still in shock and trying hard not to get too attached and fall to much in love- just in case. I know I shouldn’t do this. You all are right, I should enjoy it for what it is now, and love it to death because I don’t know what tomorrow holds…it might be me holding my baby. I still worry every second, have anxiety about it…but I read all your comments several times to let it hit me…I need to be a little less worried about tomorrow.

The amount of love I have for you all is indescribable. No one really knows what I’m going through except all of you- and as hard as it is hearing a pregnancy announcement (believe me, been there, done that), the amount of love and support I received from you all was unbelievable. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You all are my rock- and I really pray one day I read a pregnancy announcement from each of you and share happiness with you and your families. From the bottom of my heart…thank you to everyone for your sweet words and messages ❤ may we all have a positive sign soon!

Positive

I would have loved to have made this post just a happy post. A post with nothing but rainbows and butterflies to describe my emotions….but unfortunately I feel a few rain clouds and lightening overcoming my happiness. I am pregnant. Those three words have not sunk in yet…mostly because I know that it can be stripped away from me any second. I feel like even just writing this will jinx it and I will miscarry right away. I know that rationally…there is no medical reason for me to believe that I would have a miscarriage, but I also have never been pregnant before. Isn’t it sad that we can never enjoy our happiness, we just constantly think about the what-ifs that other normal pregnant women don’t have to even think about. Anyways…I’m not going to sour note every single part of this pregnancy announcement…but I will take it as a grain of salt until I go on Monday to have my beta test. I hope this baby is safe and healthy…that’s all I’m praying for.

To test or not to test?

Thank you for all the wishes everyone sent my way in my last post- it really made me feel so much better when I read each one. Today I am 4dp5dt and I’m already itching for POAS…but….utterly utterly terrified of the outcome. I was suppose to go get pregnancy tests yesterday but I chickened out and said I’d wait one more day. So…maybe I will test at 5dp5dt and we will see from there. My beta will be on next Monday since I didn’t have any HCG in me. When I had my retrieval they were too terrified to give me any incase of hyper stimulation. So everything I’m analyzing and feeling is the high amount of progesterone I’m using? The estrogen? Was it there before? I’ve had no implantation bleeding and I check every. Single. Time. I. Pee. Nothing. Nada. I’m too scared, and everytime I think about it I have an anxiety attack. What if its negative? Everything I’ve done and gone through has been for a waste. How will I afford another transfer? I can’t do another round of IVF hubs isn’t here and can’t come here again! I can’t stay for another 2 months more…his family is already frustrated that I’ve been gone for so long away from him…thinkin we have some marital issues…but only if they knew that we didn’t and its just for us to have our baby. I’m just too scared. Can’t do it.

Follicles

I went in for bloodwork and ultrasound today, and I’m happy to hear that my estrogen has gone up again. How do you dip from 300 to 54? The nurse couldn’t even explain it to me, but now it’s gone back up to 190, which the nurse said is much better. I should be planned for retrieval on Friday, but with my slow growing follicles, it might be pushed back. So far I have about 5 follicles on each side that measure over 10mm. And the pain…wow, I’m already starting to feel it. When I use the bathroom or anything, I feel the pain from the swelling of my ovaries. I’m afraid that I will fall into that category of OHSS, since it happens more likely with younger women who have lotsa eggs. I’m nervous since I have a little less than a week left of medication…it will put my ovaries into shock. I’m taking it one step at a time now…not so scared of a negative pregnancy later(but I still am regardless) and now just more worried about OHSS. Will it be all worth it if i end up in the hospital because I can’t breathe? This sucks. All of it sucks. Infertility sucks. And yet, I am so so grateful for this opportunity to do IVF and have a possibility of bringing our baby home. I realize that that’s a far fetched hope, but as some friends pointed out…hope is important. I’m so exhausted from the meds…I can barely move or do anything…so what will happen if I do get pregnant? Don’t want to jump ahead yet though. For the meantime I’m spending lots of time at home trying to relax and take it easy on my body with the medications and the upcoming retrieval, if my follicles continue to react properly to the shots.
One day at a time.

Naive

I’m having cramps, and I can’t think that to be something good. Has anyone else had crampiness through IVF medications? I understand the bloating and all, but this feels closer to a period. I realized too many things are still not in our hands, even when most things fall into place, it doesn’t mean that the last part will. I can’t hold my breath, because even if I’m able to get through the medications and retrieval part fine, it doesn’t mean it will be my baby forever. My dear friend is going through that right now and it so tears my heart apart. since this pain is overwhelming, I’m just going to not hold my breath. I don’t want to feel naive about IVF the way I did about fertility treatments. I was so naive when I first started them, thinking that I would get pregnant right away…HA! And I don’t want to keep thinking that this will be my lucky cycle. I don’t want to be naive nomatter how much my doctor tells me otherwise. Here we go again…

I want IVF

I cried today because I see no end to this traumatizing experience. I cried today because I’m in constant pain from this, whether its physical, mental or emotional. I went for a check up today…I should have ovulated by now. My follicles still weren’t big enough, but the problem is that they are all growing at the same pace. I have 12 just on my right ovary. He told me to stop today and take two more shots tomorrow. Now I’m at 13 shots for this month…I am emotionally burnt and I don’t really know what to do or feel. I feel like this is such a failure. They all told me this…it will be really hard to have someone as young as you make as little follicles as we need. You will maybe resort to IVF. Is it horrible of me that I just want to do it next month? I can’t keep shooting myself up and come out with failure after failure after failure. Tonight I started feeling excruciating cramping and when I went to use the restroom I found spotting. Now I know spotting like this happens when an embryo implants and as much as I would love to think that’s happening to me it’s quite impossible. After calling the doctor he told me yes your endometrium isn’t thick enough so you need to take medicine until I see you two days from now. Really universe? Because I need more pain and confusion ontop of everything I have already! I emailed my specialist in the states after I finished with my doctor and told her I don’t think this month will work…I’m coming on the 24th of march and I need to do a cycle with you. I begged her to do IVF. I don’t know if she will approve or my insurance since I haven’t done regular cycles in the states yet, everything has been in Kuwait. I’m just tired, I can’t keep doing failed cycles. I just want IVF.