Tag Archives: IVF

6 1/2 Week Ultrasound

23 May

Today was my ultrasound, and I can say that it was an interesting/trying day. I couldn’t sleep at all the night before, and kept waking up every few hours from my anxiety and worry about whether my baby will be alive or not. Also, a few days prior my father had a scare with skin cancer (not had, still has, and it has not been ruled out), so I have been even more on edge and feeling out of control. I woke up that morning and headed there with my mom and sister in law, which I can completely say us like the sister I never had, which is amazing. We got there, I asked if I could Skype my husband and they said go ahead. Ofcourse, him and I have been a nervous wreck waiting to see the ultrasound. He went to a cafe next to his work (he had just gotten off) in order to get better Internet for our Skype date. Ofcourse, kuwait Internet failed us. Yay. Doctor came in, observed the scan, and even though that specific machine couldn’t let us hear the heartbeat, we could see it. And I couldn’t believe my eyes, I’m still trying to take it in. My sister in law had recorded the whole thing- incase what happened with my husband would, which it did, and I sent him the video right away. It was one baby, not two, which makes the last scan still questionable. Here is where I was left worried sick: the heartbeat was 109. I looked at the tech and said umm isn’t that low? She said no, it’s fine, we look for anything above 100. But for some reason I couldn’t stomach it, and I knew I just wouldn’t. I will be another nervous wreck until the 31st, and I really just wanted some peace, that I havnt gotten a chance to have. I also did a urine analysis since I’m having uti symptoms, lovely. But on another good note…I have graduated from progesterone shots!! Those damn things hurt like a mother effer and truly left my backside sore. After dropping off 4 full boxes of used needles, please…don’t pass me anymore. But I will tell you one thing, those vaginal inserts are absolutely disgusting. The discharge from them looks the same as a yeast infection. There’s no running away from lovely old progesterone! But still…please pass it on all the way, because its supposedly doing the one thing my body fails at, which is protecting my baby. In the meantime, I will pack, get ready to head back to kuwait while I still sit and google and worry about that 109 heartbeat. Did she count it right? Was it because I could barely eat anything that morning? Was it anything I did to the baby without realizing? Oh my little nugget, mommy prays for you every single second of everyday. Please keep growing, and please let your tiny little heart get stronger and stronger. I’m doing everything I can, and eating everything that I can to have you be a healthy little baby. I love you.


4 May

I would have loved to have made this post just a happy post. A post with nothing but rainbows and butterflies to describe my emotions….but unfortunately I feel a few rain clouds and lightening overcoming my happiness. I am pregnant. Those three words have not sunk in yet…mostly because I know that it can be stripped away from me any second. I feel like even just writing this will jinx it and I will miscarry right away. I know that rationally…there is no medical reason for me to believe that I would have a miscarriage, but I also have never been pregnant before. Isn’t it sad that we can never enjoy our happiness, we just constantly think about the what-ifs that other normal pregnant women don’t have to even think about. Anyways…I’m not going to sour note every single part of this pregnancy announcement…but I will take it as a grain of salt until I go on Monday to have my beta test. I hope this baby is safe and healthy…that’s all I’m praying for.

To test or not to test?

30 Apr

Thank you for all the wishes everyone sent my way in my last post- it really made me feel so much better when I read each one. Today I am 4dp5dt and I’m already itching for POAS…but….utterly utterly terrified of the outcome. I was suppose to go get pregnancy tests yesterday but I chickened out and said I’d wait one more day. So…maybe I will test at 5dp5dt and we will see from there. My beta will be on next Monday since I didn’t have any HCG in me. When I had my retrieval they were too terrified to give me any incase of hyper stimulation. So everything I’m analyzing and feeling is the high amount of progesterone I’m using? The estrogen? Was it there before? I’ve had no implantation bleeding and I check every. Single. Time. I. Pee. Nothing. Nada. I’m too scared, and everytime I think about it I have an anxiety attack. What if its negative? Everything I’ve done and gone through has been for a waste. How will I afford another transfer? I can’t do another round of IVF hubs isn’t here and can’t come here again! I can’t stay for another 2 months more…his family is already frustrated that I’ve been gone for so long away from him…thinkin we have some marital issues…but only if they knew that we didn’t and its just for us to have our baby. I’m just too scared. Can’t do it.


20 Apr

Yesterday when I took the trigger shot at 12:30am, I had an allergic reaction to it. First, my body automatically started breaking out in hives an rashes everywhere I couldn’t stop itching…and then the anxiety started kicking in and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I was having an anxiety attack and just needed hubs to hold me to feel better. It was too late to call my doctor, and honestly I just wanted to sleep and wake up the next day to do the blood test and see if the lupron trigger worked or not. After a little while of listening to Quran and having the hubs hold me…I started to relax and finally fell fast asleep.
Tomorrow is my retrieval. I am so nervous and excited…but def so much more nervous about the outcome. We’ve finally reached this point. Prayer is the only thing on our side now.
And even though I don’t feel like I’m the devil right now, this one made me laugh.


Ready for Retrieval

19 Apr

So ladies…finally my 40 follicles are ready to be harvested. I have about 10-15 fully grown follicles and the rest are smaller ones that are just basically taking up space and killing me in the process. I woke up this morning with such bad pain from my swollen ovaries I couldn’t move, walk properly, use the restroom or anything. Also, stomach cramps don’t help either. Nerves? Medication? My body has gone into shock? Who knows! My nurse called me today two hours after my ultrasound, which I must say was much earlier than they usually do…and told me that instead of just a lupron trigger they want me to do a dual trigger of lupron and HCG. What to do? I don’t have HCG, just lupron so I had to get in the car with the hubby and drive all the way back to Maryland during rush hour times to buy it incase I will need it. Needless to say as we were getting off our exit to my parents house they called to tell me that I will only be taking lupron by itself. My estrogen was 5,500. OHSS? Hello, welcome to my lovely ovaries.
I am honestly exhausted. Now, I will be doing the transfer the day the hubs leaves (at least hell be there). But this medication wears you out. After 30+ injections…I wouldn’t like to see another needle in my life again! Tired…exhausted…in pain…tired, tired, tired is basically how I feel. Ready for Sunday…hopefully Lupron does the trick! šŸ˜Š


14 Apr

I went in for bloodwork and ultrasound today, and I’m happy to hear that my estrogen has gone up again. How do you dip from 300 to 54? The nurse couldn’t even explain it to me, but now it’s gone back up to 190, which the nurse said is much better. I should be planned for retrieval on Friday, but with my slow growing follicles, it might be pushed back. So far I have about 5 follicles on each side that measure over 10mm. And the pain…wow, I’m already starting to feel it. When I use the bathroom or anything, I feel the pain from the swelling of my ovaries. I’m afraid that I will fall into that category of OHSS, since it happens more likely with younger women who have lotsa eggs. I’m nervous since I have a little less than a week left of medication…it will put my ovaries into shock. I’m taking it one step at a time now…not so scared of a negative pregnancy later(but I still am regardless) and now just more worried about OHSS. Will it be all worth it if i end up in the hospital because I can’t breathe? This sucks. All of it sucks. Infertility sucks. And yet, I am so so grateful for this opportunity to do IVF and have a possibility of bringing our baby home. I realize that that’s a far fetched hope, but as some friends pointed out…hope is important. I’m so exhausted from the meds…I can barely move or do anything…so what will happen if I do get pregnant? Don’t want to jump ahead yet though. For the meantime I’m spending lots of time at home trying to relax and take it easy on my body with the medications and the upcoming retrieval, if my follicles continue to react properly to the shots.
One day at a time.


12 Apr

I’m having cramps, and I can’t think that to be something good. Has anyone else had crampiness through IVF medications? I understand the bloating and all, but this feels closer to a period. I realized too many things are still not in our hands, even when most things fall into place, it doesn’t mean that the last part will. I can’t hold my breath, because even if I’m able to get through the medications and retrieval part fine, it doesn’t mean it will be my baby forever. My dear friend is going through that right now and it so tears my heart apart. since this pain is overwhelming, I’m just going to not hold my breath. I don’t want to feel naive about IVF the way I did about fertility treatments. I was so naive when I first started them, thinking that I would get pregnant right away…HA! And I don’t want to keep thinking that this will be my lucky cycle. I don’t want to be naive nomatter how much my doctor tells me otherwise. Here we go again…

I want IVF

11 Mar

I cried today because I see no end to this traumatizing experience. I cried today because I’m in constant pain from this, whether its physical, mental or emotional. I went for a check up today…I should have ovulated by now. My follicles still weren’t big enough, but the problem is that they are all growing at the same pace. I have 12 just on my right ovary. He told me to stop today and take two more shots tomorrow. Now I’m at 13 shots for this month…I am emotionally burnt and I don’t really know what to do or feel. I feel like this is such a failure. They all told me this…it will be really hard to have someone as young as you make as little follicles as we need. You will maybe resort to IVF. Is it horrible of me that I just want to do it next month? I can’t keep shooting myself up and come out with failure after failure after failure. Tonight I started feeling excruciating cramping and when I went to use the restroom I found spotting. Now I know spotting like this happens when an embryo implants and as much as I would love to think that’s happening to me it’s quite impossible. After calling the doctor he told me yes your endometrium isn’t thick enough so you need to take medicine until I see you two days from now. Really universe? Because I need more pain and confusion ontop of everything I have already! I emailed my specialist in the states after I finished with my doctor and told her I don’t think this month will work…I’m coming on the 24th of march and I need to do a cycle with you. I begged her to do IVF. I don’t know if she will approve or my insurance since I haven’t done regular cycles in the states yet, everything has been in Kuwait. I’m just tired, I can’t keep doing failed cycles. I just want IVF.

Checkin in

4 Jan

I’ve been missing lately for many good reasons. A) I finally landed in DC and was enjoying the holidays with my family and friends. B) My father also talked me into seeing an ENT because I need surgery on my deviated septum but I didn’t think I would have time to do it and recover…and low and behold I was told that I did so I had surgery on Friday. The surgery was more complicated than I thought it would be and recovery took much longer than usual. I’m just starting to feel okay now and moving around. Ever since Friday I’ve been knocked out on oxicodone not being able to breathe and gushing out blood. I actually had to run into the ER twice because my nose wouldn’t stop bleeding and so on. I also went to see my gynecologist which completely pissed me off because she knew that I was coming in from overseas to see her concerning my recent diagnoses and asked the nurses to make sure I had more than enough time with her to do what needs to get done because I don’t have much time to stay in the states. When I began telling her about my cycles she kept looking at me and telling me ok but remember just because you didn’t get your period doesn’t mean you didn’t ovulate. I look at her and I’m like ok what are you trying to get at? I told her she would do progesterone tests on me an that they came low an that means I didn’t ovulate. I felt like she didn’t know what she was talking about. She then told me that I needed to do endometrial biopsy, and when she looked at my cycle she told me that the day after wa the last day todo for me. Like ok, which means you should do it for me today or tomorrow. Tomorrow? I had surgery in the afternoon and then she had surgery in the morning. She just wouldn’t work with me or do anything. I literally walked out feeling so disregarded and ignored when I had traveled half way across the world to get treatment. After lots of tears they finally gave me an appointment for tomorrow morning, which meant I’m having a biopsy and and surgery on the same day. I also was finally able to after 5 different rejections, get an appointment in with a specialist at shady grove fertility center. When I went in yesterday she told me that usually with women like me it could require upto 20 shots needed In order to get me to ovulate. She also told me pregnancy is not out of the question but that it might take some time. Also, IVF might be necessary because sometimes with younger women they can’t get the correct numbers together to release the right amount of embryos. I was happy, overwhelmed, freaked out. Lots of things all together. I went to see a therapist today to talk a little more about my diagnosis and everything that I’ve been going through. I kept thinking of all the women that are struggling through PCOS with me on this blog…I kept feeling as if I was talking to all of you. My healing process. Trying to slowly heal and move forward and hopefully be able to start a family, god willing. I hope everyone had a wonderful New Years and Christmas!