Tag Archives: lie


4 Jan

My first session yesterday with my therapist helped me let out the main underlying issues of my PCOS that had really been hurting me. Once I said to her these few sentences, I realized just how much I actually have been traumatized by this diagnosis. I looked at her and I told her, how are you able to even move on or be yourself when the one thing you should know your entire life turns out to be a lie. How is it that me, my body, has lied and cheated me. My birth control covered up this scheme, this volcano that literally exploded the second I stopped using contraceptives. How do you know who you are anymore, when after 23 years you realize you don’t even know yourself? It’s such a twisted game. But what I came to realize that’s even more twisted is how that when you don’t ovulate, the symptoms mimic those of a woman becoming pregnant. My therapist described it as a miscarriage. To think you’re 100% pregnant and then find out you didn’t even ovulate is the same heartbreak as a miscarriage. I told her I’ve never had one so I’m not sure, but she has so I guess she’s experienced it. I told her that I’m somehow ok with my body lying to me, but I’m not okay with it lying to my husband. It can cheat me, deceit me, and lie to me. It can even hurt me and kill me, but I won’t let it do that to him. Ill never forgive my body for what it did this month, it made me think I’m pregnant, and then I made him think I’m pregnant. How do you even find the words to describe the emotions that you’re feeling going through this. My other big heartache is my body changes. You know all those pieces of lingerie you get at your bridal shower? Yes, none of them fit anymore. I am about a whole size smaller now. I am 23, not even a year married and here I am not fitting into my sexy little things and experiencing infertility. I told her I have a problem with this entire situation due to my age and circumstances, when most couples are enjoying their honeymoon phases up until they are in their 30s without any fear of not being able to bear children, and here I am holding myself up with my clenched jaw trying to stay up ontop of the surface. This PCOS game, it’s a twisted one. It’s a mean, cruel and deceitful one. I still sit back and thank god for everything I have. I think of all the women who found out later in their lives, at a point where it’s much harder and my heart breaks even more for them. They are so strong, how do you begin to even deal with that. Hats off to all of you ladies. My therapist told me that once I get through this, I will come out stronger and more ready for the future. Are you sure? I asked her with slight hope in my voice. She said yes. Once you hold that baby in your arms you will know that you have conquered something most people don’t that early on in their lives. That dodge ball that life throws at you. Oh dodgeball it definitely is. I never saw any of this coming. May all of us come out stronger, whatever battle we are facing and struggles we are going through…keep strong ladies.