Tag Archives: pcos

6 1/2 Week Ultrasound

23 May

Today was my ultrasound, and I can say that it was an interesting/trying day. I couldn’t sleep at all the night before, and kept waking up every few hours from my anxiety and worry about whether my baby will be alive or not. Also, a few days prior my father had a scare with skin cancer (not had, still has, and it has not been ruled out), so I have been even more on edge and feeling out of control. I woke up that morning and headed there with my mom and sister in law, which I can completely say us like the sister I never had, which is amazing. We got there, I asked if I could Skype my husband and they said go ahead. Ofcourse, him and I have been a nervous wreck waiting to see the ultrasound. He went to a cafe next to his work (he had just gotten off) in order to get better Internet for our Skype date. Ofcourse, kuwait Internet failed us. Yay. Doctor came in, observed the scan, and even though that specific machine couldn’t let us hear the heartbeat, we could see it. And I couldn’t believe my eyes, I’m still trying to take it in. My sister in law had recorded the whole thing- incase what happened with my husband would, which it did, and I sent him the video right away. It was one baby, not two, which makes the last scan still questionable. Here is where I was left worried sick: the heartbeat was 109. I looked at the tech and said umm isn’t that low? She said no, it’s fine, we look for anything above 100. But for some reason I couldn’t stomach it, and I knew I just wouldn’t. I will be another nervous wreck until the 31st, and I really just wanted some peace, that I havnt gotten a chance to have. I also did a urine analysis since I’m having uti symptoms, lovely. But on another good note…I have graduated from progesterone shots!! Those damn things hurt like a mother effer and truly left my backside sore. After dropping off 4 full boxes of used needles, please…don’t pass me anymore. But I will tell you one thing, those vaginal inserts are absolutely disgusting. The discharge from them looks the same as a yeast infection. There’s no running away from lovely old progesterone! But still…please pass it on all the way, because its supposedly doing the one thing my body fails at, which is protecting my baby. In the meantime, I will pack, get ready to head back to kuwait while I still sit and google and worry about that 109 heartbeat. Did she count it right? Was it because I could barely eat anything that morning? Was it anything I did to the baby without realizing? Oh my little nugget, mommy prays for you every single second of everyday. Please keep growing, and please let your tiny little heart get stronger and stronger. I’m doing everything I can, and eating everything that I can to have you be a healthy little baby. I love you.

The in-between

14 May

Ever since I got my BFP, I feel very insensitive to update my blog. I feel like everytime I read a post from an infertile friend- I feel really bad to post anything from my end on how my pregnancy is going. The truth is, I enjoyed watching some of you grow with your pregnancies on this blog, nomatter how much it stung a little bit each time I started reading. But somehow- this all feels different with me. I feel like I would be a complete jerk. But here’s how I feel also- I feel like I’ve been kicked out of the infertiles club, and I want back In. It’s not anything anyone has said or done, but I just feel it, and it hurts. Don’t get me wrong- I’ve died a thousand times to get pregnant, and thankfully I’m there (yet, not there at the same time because who says nothing bad will happen?), but I don’t feel any less sadness, any less anxiety, or any less infertile. I still feel infertile everyday, and I carry those scars with me everywhere I go. I cringe at pregnancies that happen easily, quickly, and effortlessly (you can ask me, I’ve heard 7 pregnancy announcements from my husbands side- ALL within a few months after marriage!). I cry at the concept of a baby, my baby, that I still wish so dearly to hold in my arms. And the truth is, I pray everyday, 50 times a day that I will not walk into my ultrasound appointment 8 days from now with no heartbeat- with no life. I feel kicked out- I feel alone…and I hope you all understand me in the most sincere way possible, because I constantly worry about hurting you all. I don’t know what to do- I just feel like im in a lonely scary in between phase.

Betas

9 May

*This is a pregnancy related post. If you are in a bad place please feel free to skip*

My first beta came in on Monday at 577. My second beta came in today at 1,192. So far, the baby looks alive and thriving. I know I’m not out of the woods yet, ofcourse. When I spoke to the nurse today about when it will be possible for me to travel back to my husband, she told me technically speaking that I can travel anytime, but that it’s best to stay until 8 week ultrasound because according to her if I were to have a miscarriage it would be most likely during that time, and that if it was ectopic that they would find out by then too. Thanks for putting that in my head because I hadn’t even thought about ectopic, but it made me run into panic mode because I felt some sharp pains on my right side yesterday. And then she said- if it was ectopic your numbers would rise and then remain steady. Thank you, because that means my numbers today would mean nothing if this baby got stuck in my Fallopian tube. I can’t ease this anxiety I have, and now I completely understand every woman on this blog that has become pregnant. I can’t shake the fact that this is not a normal pregnancy and that I will continue to wonder what is happening with this baby. I will not get to see my husband for another month, and while its for an amazing reason, it’s also so difficult not having him here to help me through this panic mode attack that happens every five seconds. I am still careful, there will be no new category of pregnancy, until i know everything is fine (yeah right, will i ever believe it?). Faith. I keep just reminding myself about faith…and constantly pray that this baby has found it’s home for the next nine months.
I didn’t have sore boobs this whole time- and so I was worried today’s beta would be too low. I know they say every pregnancy is different…but somehow I have this crazy idea that if symptoms aren’t as intense as they say, this baby is in an awful place. Well, tonight the sore boobs kicked in full force…I felt like I got punched in my boobs about 5 times. And the nausea…oh my god. I crave something…and as soon as I put a bite in my mouth I get this awful feeling in my stomach like I am about to throw up. I am a wuss when it comes to throwing up. I’ve thrown up about 5 times in my life and they were torturous for me (mainly because I have acid reflux, so I found out later that it is far more painful for me than others). God please, I don’t want to burn my esophagus. Till today…I’m alive and baby is still inside. Till today I have faith that what is best will happen. Till today I kneel down on my knees and thank God five times a day for the gift he’s giving me. Till today, I pray for you all my friends, my wonderful supportive friends.

Thank you <3

6 May

Words can’t begin to explain how thankful and happy I am for all the love I received from you all yesterday. I really felt very sad that I couldn’t get myself to enjoy this wonderful gift I’ve been given so far- and let me explain further why. My cousin that has PCOS, can get pregnant naturally. She started ovulating normally on metaformin…but she miscarried 3 times and now she has to be on a year break from trying. That automatically made me think that this is something hereditary and that I will probably face just as much heartache, if not even more. And there is a medical reason behind my worries- it’s the dreadful PCOS. But I am doing my best- I’m eating as healthy as I can, staying away from any form of smoke- resting enough and TRYING to be as calm as possible. Sometimes I talk to it and tell it I love it…but I’m still in shock and trying hard not to get too attached and fall to much in love- just in case. I know I shouldn’t do this. You all are right, I should enjoy it for what it is now, and love it to death because I don’t know what tomorrow holds…it might be me holding my baby. I still worry every second, have anxiety about it…but I read all your comments several times to let it hit me…I need to be a little less worried about tomorrow.

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The amount of love I have for you all is indescribable. No one really knows what I’m going through except all of you- and as hard as it is hearing a pregnancy announcement (believe me, been there, done that), the amount of love and support I received from you all was unbelievable. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You all are my rock- and I really pray one day I read a pregnancy announcement from each of you and share happiness with you and your families. From the bottom of my heart…thank you to everyone for your sweet words and messages ‚̧ may we all have a positive sign soon!

Positive

4 May

I would have loved to have made this post just a happy post. A post with nothing but rainbows and butterflies to describe my emotions….but unfortunately I feel a few rain clouds and lightening overcoming my happiness. I am pregnant. Those three words have not sunk in yet…mostly because I know that it can be stripped away from me any second. I feel like even just writing this will jinx it and I will miscarry right away. I know that rationally…there is no medical reason for me to believe that I would have a miscarriage, but I also have never been pregnant before. Isn’t it sad that we can never enjoy our happiness, we just constantly think about the what-ifs that other normal pregnant women don’t have to even think about. Anyways…I’m not going to sour note every single part of this pregnancy announcement…but I will take it as a grain of salt until I go on Monday to have my beta test. I hope this baby is safe and healthy…that’s all I’m praying for.

To test or not to test?

30 Apr

Thank you for all the wishes everyone sent my way in my last post- it really made me feel so much better when I read each one. Today I am 4dp5dt and I’m already itching for POAS…but….utterly utterly terrified of the outcome. I was suppose to go get pregnancy tests yesterday but I chickened out and said I’d wait one more day. So…maybe I will test at 5dp5dt and we will see from there. My beta will be on next Monday since I didn’t have any HCG in me. When I had my retrieval they were too terrified to give me any incase of hyper stimulation. So everything I’m analyzing and feeling is the high amount of progesterone I’m using? The estrogen? Was it there before? I’ve had no implantation bleeding and I check every. Single. Time. I. Pee. Nothing. Nada. I’m too scared, and everytime I think about it I have an anxiety attack. What if its negative? Everything I’ve done and gone through has been for a waste. How will I afford another transfer? I can’t do another round of IVF hubs isn’t here and can’t come here again! I can’t stay for another 2 months more…his family is already frustrated that I’ve been gone for so long away from him…thinkin we have some marital issues…but only if they knew that we didn’t and its just for us to have our baby. I’m just too scared. Can’t do it.

Trigger

20 Apr

Yesterday when I took the trigger shot at 12:30am, I had an allergic reaction to it. First, my body automatically started breaking out in hives an rashes everywhere I couldn’t stop itching…and then the anxiety started kicking in and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I was having an anxiety attack and just needed hubs to hold me to feel better. It was too late to call my doctor, and honestly I just wanted to sleep and wake up the next day to do the blood test and see if the lupron trigger worked or not. After a little while of listening to Quran and having the hubs hold me…I started to relax and finally fell fast asleep.
Tomorrow is my retrieval. I am so nervous and excited…but def so much more nervous about the outcome. We’ve finally reached this point. Prayer is the only thing on our side now.
And even though I don’t feel like I’m the devil right now, this one made me laugh.

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