Tag Archives: pregnancy

6 1/2 Week Ultrasound

23 May

Today was my ultrasound, and I can say that it was an interesting/trying day. I couldn’t sleep at all the night before, and kept waking up every few hours from my anxiety and worry about whether my baby will be alive or not. Also, a few days prior my father had a scare with skin cancer (not had, still has, and it has not been ruled out), so I have been even more on edge and feeling out of control. I woke up that morning and headed there with my mom and sister in law, which I can completely say us like the sister I never had, which is amazing. We got there, I asked if I could Skype my husband and they said go ahead. Ofcourse, him and I have been a nervous wreck waiting to see the ultrasound. He went to a cafe next to his work (he had just gotten off) in order to get better Internet for our Skype date. Ofcourse, kuwait Internet failed us. Yay. Doctor came in, observed the scan, and even though that specific machine couldn’t let us hear the heartbeat, we could see it. And I couldn’t believe my eyes, I’m still trying to take it in. My sister in law had recorded the whole thing- incase what happened with my husband would, which it did, and I sent him the video right away. It was one baby, not two, which makes the last scan still questionable. Here is where I was left worried sick: the heartbeat was 109. I looked at the tech and said umm isn’t that low? She said no, it’s fine, we look for anything above 100. But for some reason I couldn’t stomach it, and I knew I just wouldn’t. I will be another nervous wreck until the 31st, and I really just wanted some peace, that I havnt gotten a chance to have. I also did a urine analysis since I’m having uti symptoms, lovely. But on another good note…I have graduated from progesterone shots!! Those damn things hurt like a mother effer and truly left my backside sore. After dropping off 4 full boxes of used needles, please…don’t pass me anymore. But I will tell you one thing, those vaginal inserts are absolutely disgusting. The discharge from them looks the same as a yeast infection. There’s no running away from lovely old progesterone! But still…please pass it on all the way, because its supposedly doing the one thing my body fails at, which is protecting my baby. In the meantime, I will pack, get ready to head back to kuwait while I still sit and google and worry about that 109 heartbeat. Did she count it right? Was it because I could barely eat anything that morning? Was it anything I did to the baby without realizing? Oh my little nugget, mommy prays for you every single second of everyday. Please keep growing, and please let your tiny little heart get stronger and stronger. I’m doing everything I can, and eating everything that I can to have you be a healthy little baby. I love you.

Sigh..

23 Jan

When do we stop feeling sorry for ourselves? When does this disease stop defining us as women so we can start living our lives normally? I’m so sick of it, sick of it all. As I laid my head down to sleep, all these thoughts kept running through my head. I’ve gotten into enough fights with enough people(mainly ones closest to me), felt sorry for myself 99% of the time as well as hoping for the best but feeling like it’ll take a lot more months of shots for me to hopefully get pregnant. Honestly? I’m scared of the shots, but I don’t dare say it because I have to take it to make our baby, since my stupid body is the one that’s off. It makes me feel like it’s my fault. I keep thinking did i do something wrong to cause this? I just still don’t understand. About 20 shots, per month, just to ovulate…doesn’t mean ill get pregnant. And lets not talk about potential loss. Where do you go from there? After trying for months with a gazillion shots which internally I will always have the scars from…and then losing it. I can’t even bare the thought. My mind is wandering to the worst thoughts ever because I’m scared. I’m terrified, and angry and I feel myself slipping into another bout of helplessness and depression. This isn’t good. I’ve seen a few posts from some ladies on their losses recently, so i dedicate this post to them. To their babies, to their families, for how strong you’ve been, still are and always will be. I pray one day I can be as strong, and may god never put me in the circumstance of losing my own baby. Anyways, those are all my crazy thoughts. Goodnight all the way from kuwait.

Overwhelmed. 2 weeks.

16 Dec

I’ve been literally all over the place yet stuck at the same time. I’m trying to tell myself to be patient and wait…but I can’t because I feel like my mind Is playing tricks on me. When I went into the doctors office about a week ago to see how many eggs I have and if treatment worked…she told me she saw nothing with either meant I ovulated already or I made no eggs at all. She said it looks to her like I did ovulate but I’m going in in two days to do a progesterone test to see if I actually did ovulate or not. I’m having all these weird symptoms except the big sore boobs which worries me, because that’s what usually happens when I do t ovulate. Every single time I feel a cramp I think to myself is that my baby growing in there, or is it my infertile womb, or is it my brain? There’s absolutely nothing worse then staying at home doing nothing (since I moved overseas for my husbands job) and sitting and thinking about whether you’re pregnant or not. I muttered the words I think I’m pregnant to him and completely regretted it once it sank in that If its not true…I would have dragged him down this roller coaster ride with me. I feel guilty now, really bad for saying it. Now I think he actually does believe it. I don’t want my body to be a liar…I don’t want to be feeling pregnant because I want to but because I really am. I think that if I felt my boobs sore or get bigger (since they got smaller from getting off bc and being diagnosed with pcos) I would feel sooooo much better. I kept googling when’s the earliest time to do a blood test…I was going to cheat and go behind my doctors back because A) I can’t wait it’s killing me and B) I want to surprise the hubs if I am. I am currently feeling all this cramping…and god bless if it if my failing lady parts and not a real baby…I might have to go to an insane asylum because the stress this is causing me is unimaginable. I know that if this doesn’t work, ill need to travel back to the states and see my family, mainly for my sanity because the poor husband has been overwhelmed with my constant crying, depression and pure torture that I have been overcome with. It’s really all straining our marriage and were just in the beginning phase. My little baby…if ur inside me hear me because I have been going through hell trying to have you. Please God, help me I can’t take anymore of this.