Tag Archives: therapist

Therapist

4 Jan

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My first session yesterday with my therapist helped me let out the main underlying issues of my PCOS that had really been hurting me. Once I said to her these few sentences, I realized just how much I actually have been traumatized by this diagnosis. I looked at her and I told her, how are you able to even move on or be yourself when the one thing you should know your entire life turns out to be a lie. How is it that me, my body, has lied and cheated me. My birth control covered up this scheme, this volcano that literally exploded the second I stopped using contraceptives. How do you know who you are anymore, when after 23 years you realize you don’t even know yourself? It’s such a twisted game. But what I came to realize that’s even more twisted is how that when you don’t ovulate, the symptoms mimic those of a woman becoming pregnant. My therapist described it as a miscarriage. To think you’re 100% pregnant and then find out you didn’t even ovulate is the same heartbreak as a miscarriage. I told her I’ve never had one so I’m not sure, but she has so I guess she’s experienced it. I told her that I’m somehow ok with my body lying to me, but I’m not okay with it lying to my husband. It can cheat me, deceit me, and lie to me. It can even hurt me and kill me, but I won’t let it do that to him. Ill never forgive my body for what it did this month, it made me think I’m pregnant, and then I made him think I’m pregnant. How do you even find the words to describe the emotions that you’re feeling going through this. My other big heartache is my body changes. You know all those pieces of lingerie you get at your bridal shower? Yes, none of them fit anymore. I am about a whole size smaller now. I am 23, not even a year married and here I am not fitting into my sexy little things and experiencing infertility. I told her I have a problem with this entire situation due to my age and circumstances, when most couples are enjoying their honeymoon phases up until they are in their 30s without any fear of not being able to bear children, and here I am holding myself up with my clenched jaw trying to stay up ontop of the surface. This PCOS game, it’s a twisted one. It’s a mean, cruel and deceitful one. I still sit back and thank god for everything I have. I think of all the women who found out later in their lives, at a point where it’s much harder and my heart breaks even more for them. They are so strong, how do you begin to even deal with that. Hats off to all of you ladies. My therapist told me that once I get through this, I will come out stronger and more ready for the future. Are you sure? I asked her with slight hope in my voice. She said yes. Once you hold that baby in your arms you will know that you have conquered something most people don’t that early on in their lives. That dodge ball that life throws at you. Oh dodgeball it definitely is. I never saw any of this coming. May all of us come out stronger, whatever battle we are facing and struggles we are going through…keep strong ladies.

Checkin in

4 Jan

I’ve been missing lately for many good reasons. A) I finally landed in DC and was enjoying the holidays with my family and friends. B) My father also talked me into seeing an ENT because I need surgery on my deviated septum but I didn’t think I would have time to do it and recover…and low and behold I was told that I did so I had surgery on Friday. The surgery was more complicated than I thought it would be and recovery took much longer than usual. I’m just starting to feel okay now and moving around. Ever since Friday I’ve been knocked out on oxicodone not being able to breathe and gushing out blood. I actually had to run into the ER twice because my nose wouldn’t stop bleeding and so on. I also went to see my gynecologist which completely pissed me off because she knew that I was coming in from overseas to see her concerning my recent diagnoses and asked the nurses to make sure I had more than enough time with her to do what needs to get done because I don’t have much time to stay in the states. When I began telling her about my cycles she kept looking at me and telling me ok but remember just because you didn’t get your period doesn’t mean you didn’t ovulate. I look at her and I’m like ok what are you trying to get at? I told her she would do progesterone tests on me an that they came low an that means I didn’t ovulate. I felt like she didn’t know what she was talking about. She then told me that I needed to do endometrial biopsy, and when she looked at my cycle she told me that the day after wa the last day todo for me. Like ok, which means you should do it for me today or tomorrow. Tomorrow? I had surgery in the afternoon and then she had surgery in the morning. She just wouldn’t work with me or do anything. I literally walked out feeling so disregarded and ignored when I had traveled half way across the world to get treatment. After lots of tears they finally gave me an appointment for tomorrow morning, which meant I’m having a biopsy and and surgery on the same day. I also was finally able to after 5 different rejections, get an appointment in with a specialist at shady grove fertility center. When I went in yesterday she told me that usually with women like me it could require upto 20 shots needed In order to get me to ovulate. She also told me pregnancy is not out of the question but that it might take some time. Also, IVF might be necessary because sometimes with younger women they can’t get the correct numbers together to release the right amount of embryos. I was happy, overwhelmed, freaked out. Lots of things all together. I went to see a therapist today to talk a little more about my diagnosis and everything that I’ve been going through. I kept thinking of all the women that are struggling through PCOS with me on this blog…I kept feeling as if I was talking to all of you. My healing process. Trying to slowly heal and move forward and hopefully be able to start a family, god willing. I hope everyone had a wonderful New Years and Christmas!

Take Off

22 Dec

In less than 24 hours ill be headed on a flight back to the States to see my family. Here’s the update on what I will be checking out when I get there- a consultation with my Ob-Gyn. She has never previously treated me for PCOS since I was diagnosed here in Kuwait. I will be interested to see what she tells me about my specific case. I have bought all my fertility treatments today to take back with me incase I do get AF on time, when I will be there. 1 clomid pack and 6 fostimon tubes and about $110 down, I am ready to go. I will possibly be seeing a specialist…I want to see what my doc says first, but I’m really in major need of advice from the most specialized doctor on this since I’m only going back for 2 weeks. I also looked up and emailed an acupuncturist who specializes in treating PCOS- or so I hope. I haven’t heard back yet but I really hope that I can do this because I heard it helps. I also set up appointments with a therapist…I definitely need it after all I’ve been through here all alone. I think my sanity is almost gone from trying to conceive. What hurts the most is that I’m 23 and broken. I know I keep repeating it…but I’m still not over the fact that I have this. I think therapy will help me understand and accept my situation a lot better, and everyone needs to be healthy mentally, physically and emotionally to have a baby. Also, this time will also be jam packed with lots of family and friends time…this is also part of my healing…having my loved ones around me. I will definitely miss the hubs…but I need this…we need this. I need to make sure that I’m getting the best treatment possible with PCOS. I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday…and may 2013 be our lucky year ladies…cheers!